


i will follow where this takes me

by curiosityandrain



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Photographer, Director!phil, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, New York City, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2016, Pining, filmmaker!phil, lots of pining, photographer!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 02:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8559712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiosityandrain/pseuds/curiosityandrain
Summary: Dan has a great life, he has an amazing job as a photographer and he lives in New York. Phil is an independent filmmaker who hires Dan to be his cinematographer for his upcoming feature film after his usual cinematographer was involved in an accident. The two hit it off and become instant friends. Weeks of working together everyday helps develop their friendship and slowly but surely, Dan realises his feelings for Phil run deeper than just friendship. The only problem is, Phil’s taken.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i can’t believe i’m finally finished with this fic! it’s been such a long time coming and i’m so happy to finally be done with it and to have it published! this is the longest thing i’ve ever written and it’s been tiring and stressful but i’m so glad i pulled through because i think it was worth it! special thanks to my amazing beta and artist, love u guys! that’s enough rambling, hope y’all enjoy!!!
> 
> [read on tumblr](http://curiosityandrain.tumblr.com/post/153191314777/i-will-follow-where-this-takes-me%0A) if you prefer! 
> 
> art [here](http://blueacrylic.tumblr.com/post/153190503996/here-is-the-drawing-i-did-for-chloes-amazing-pbb) and speed drawing of art [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIuTU0dwNos)
> 
> song title from [stone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1P0VSHthVw) by alessia cara! i feel it fits them pretty well....
> 
> also feedback of any kind (even criticism) is very much appreciated/welcome!!

Dan’s the only one working when the bell above the door chimes and someone walks through. Thankfully, it’s a fairly slow day at ‘Lights Camera Action’, a photography studio in Chelsea, just off West 26th street. Dan has been working there as a photographer (and occasional videographer) for almost two years now. Though a focus in wedding photography isn’t exactly what he imagined himself doing while he slaved over his finals and was up to his neck in student debt at university. It’s his first job out of school and while it’s not incredibly exciting or his dream job, he’s able to – usually – pay the bills while doing something he’s passionate about.

On this particular morning, he’s been replying to clients’ emails all day and the thought of doing anything else is incredibly enticing so he glances to the doorway immediately. The first thing Dan notices about the recently entered man is his height. He’s definitely almost as tall as Dan – who towers at 6’2”–, if not the same height. As they make eye contact, the man is ruffling his mop of black hair with one of his hands in an attempt to straighten it out.

“You wouldn’t believe how windy it is out there.” He gives a short laugh, fiddling with the paper sleeve around the cup of coffee in his other hand. Dan’s a bit surprised by his sort of soft northern accent, it’s been awhile since he’d heard one. Moving to New York, with all of its multiculturalism, has helped him grow accustomed to plenty of accents but it’s always a bit surprising to hear one from back home. 

“Nice hairdo,” Dan jibes, nodding to the man in front of him.

He turns pink and pats at his hair trying to fix it even more.

“I’m just kidding. Really, don’t worry your hair’s fine,” Dan cuts in with a laugh and the man drops his hand from the top of his head with a weak, slightly embarrassed smile. “So how can I help you, uh–?” Dan trails off at a loss for the man’s name.

“Phil,” he says, smiling with a pair of piercing blue eyes. Phil holds his hand out in front of him, waiting for Dan to shake it.

“Dan,” he replies, then notices Phil’s outstretched hand and returns the gesture, albeit a couple seconds late. Is that what professional people do? Dan wonders. Shake hands? He can’t remember the last time he shook someone’s hand. Before it can go on for too long, he lets go.

“So I noticed on your website that you do wedding cinematography…?” Phil proposes, eyes questioning and slightly unsure. He takes a sip out of his cup of coffee, waiting for Dan to reply.

“Are you getting married?” Dan asks with a genuine sense of curiosity. Phil looks to be around Dan’s age – 25 – and while Dan would never think of getting married at this age or really, anytime soon, he has a handful of friends who are already engaged with the date already set. And while he’s happy for them, their romantic milestones tend to be more of an unwelcome reminder of his non existent relationship status rather than something that he should be celebrating. Not that he minds particularly, he has his job and his friends and the occasional hook up to keep him busy and satisfied, but sometimes, it just stings.

Phil’s eyes widen and from the looks of it, almost chokes on his drink. Coughing he continues to speak, “Oh god no, no,” the words rush out of him, he reaches a hand out in front of him as to distance himself away from Dan’s suggestion. “I’m a filmmaker and my usual cinematographer broke his leg last week. I know it’s unconventional but I thought this might be the quickest place to find someone to replace him. I don’t know if there’s anything you could do but… even if you know someone?” He pauses briefly. “Sorry, I’m desperate,” he says, quiet and subdued with a trickling of nervous laughter.

“Well lucky for you,” Dan gives him a smile, “I have a minor in cinematography.” He places both of his hands on the counter in front of him, leaning forward ever so slightly.

“Are you serious?” Phil looks him unwaveringly, he’s on the verge of breaking out into a grin.

“Completely, I promise, I studied at New York Film Academy. Photography’s my main focus and it’s been some time since I’ve worked on a film but, I’d be willing to help you out.”

“Oh my god, of course, that’s perfect, thank you so much,” Phil’s words pour out in a flurry of nervous, happy energy. “You are my hero, thank you.” Dan knows he’s joking but Phil looks genuinely, overwhelmingly grateful and he can’t help but feel happy.

“Will you be praising me like this all throughout production? Because if so, you’ve got yourself a cinematographer. This is significantly boosting my ego.” Dan says jokingly, though he's not completely lying, it does help.

“Well don’t get big headed about it.” Phil shoots him an accusatory look though it's hardly believable with the smile spreading across his face.

“Well don’t stop just as you were about to worship me as your god.” Dan retorts, crossing his arms.

“My god? Really? I mean we’ve only just met.” Phil wrinkles his nose and scrunches his eyebrows, feigning disgust.

“What can I say? I'm incredibly charming.” He grins, getting an eye roll from Phil.

“More like incredibly annoying.” Dan drops his jaw in mock offence at Phil’s reply.

"I can always cancel on my clients you know..." It’s a weak threat. Dan would never. Not for Phil at least, he figures he's under enough stress already.

"Oh as if,” Phil scoffs before fading back into a sense of professionalism. "So how much will all of this cost?"

"That depends," Dan replies. "Are you going to keep showering me in praise and tell me how grateful you are for my help?"

"Shut up," Phil laughs, low and heartfelt and warm. "Seriously. This is important." The smile on his face says otherwise. Phil pulls out his phone, presumably to check on something related to the production.

"Depends on how long the shoot takes.” In all honesty, Dan would love to work on a film. He’s done some small amateur films in the past but nothing too serious and nothing within the past couple of years. It would be nice to get out of the office and step out of his comfort zone.

"We’re still smoothing everything out but, it should be about be about six to eight weeks," Phil says. “Is that alright with you?”

"Well I mean I am getting paid for it, aren’t I?"

"Ohhhh, I see how it is then," Phil fakes hurt, "Would weekly be alright with you?"

"Should be, even monthly would be good, just so long as I have enough to pay the rent each month," says Dan. He's already behind track on this month's payment. As he has been for the past seven months that he's lived in his apartment. Being a photographer isn’t the most high paying job. Luckily, Dan’s landlord has a soft spot for him. She’s a small, frail old lady and Dan's pretty sure she thinks he's her grandson half the time when he speaks to her as she always kisses him on the cheek and asks him how his wife’s doing. It’s annoying as it sounds but if it lets Dan bypass paying rent on time, he can live with it.

"How much do you usually charge?" Phil asks.

“Well when I do wedding cinematography, I usually charge around 2k? Sometimes 3. People around here will pay for just about anything.” Dan says matter a factly.

"Jesus Christ, tell me about it." Phil mutters. "I'll check with our budget,” he scrolls through his phone for a few seconds, presses something on the screen and continues to speak, “but I think we should be able to pull out around 500 a day. How does that sound?”

"For two months? Are you serious? That’s amazing." Of course, a percentage of the money will have to go Lights, Camera, Action but the money will help him pay his bills so he quickly agrees.

"Great, perfect," Phil replies, “looks like we've got ourselves a deal."

"It'd appear so,” Dan agrees, a glint in his eyes.

Their eyes meet and it’s quiet between them and Dan feels as if he should say something to keep the conversation going. To his relief, Phil cuts in.

“Actually, you know what, we’re actually having a dinner for the cast and crew to kick off production later this week. A sort of small get together thing, we’re probably going to go out, not sure where or when yet but I can give you the details if you'd be interested.”

“Yeah, that sounds great actually,” Dan says. It’s been a while since he went out to eat with a group of people. Restaurants are expensive and he tends to overspend so he tries not to with money being tight.

“Here,” Phil hands his phone to Dan. “Give me your number and I'll text you the details later tonight.”

Dan takes the phone and creates a new contact for himself, typing in his full name and phone number before handing it back to Phil. “Here you go.”

“Perfect. Thanks. Thank you so much, really, I’ve been stressing over this for the past non-stop for the past week but you’ve relieved me all of my worries.” Phil places both his hands on the counter separating the two of them.

Dan can’t help his cheeks from heating up at the constant praise, he feels his pulse beating a little faster than usual. “Seriously, stop thanking me. For all you know I could be a shit cinematographer looking for some extra cash.”

"You wouldn't do that to me," Phil says with a small shake of his head.

"Well you did call me bigheaded." Dan argues, furrowing his eyebrows and narrowing his eyes ever so slightly. He barely knows Phil, they're practically strangers but this teasing banter feels so natural and easy and simple. In the strangest way, within less than twenty minutes, it already feels as if they've known each other for years. As if they're long time friends joking around with one another.

"I thought you had a good sense of humour but,” Phil pauses for a beat, “clearly I was mistaken."

"Oh shove off," Dan replies and before he can say much more, a notification sounds on Phil’s phone, catching Dan off guard.

“Sorry.” A meek, embarrassed smile spreads across his face as he retrieves his phone out of his pocket with one hand whilst juggling a cup of coffee with the other. “Hello?” Phil answers to the person on the other line and walks towards the other end of the shop for some privacy.

Dan tries to focus back on replying to emails but it turns to be slightly difficult as Phil’s laughing at whatever's being said to him over the phone. He begins to wonder who he's speaking to.

“Yes, I'll see you soon.” The sound of Phil’s voice catches his attention and causes him to avert his eyes back up. “You too. Bye.” Dan looks back down at his laptop once he hears Phil hang up. Phil’s eyes meet Dan’s in an instant as he turns around to walk back to where Dan’s seated on a stool.

“Sorry about that,” Phil apologizes again. “I completely forgot that I had a date tonight.”

“Ouch,” Dan grits his teeth. He’s feels a slight bit of disappointment that Phil couldn’t stay for longer, he’d like to have continued to talk to him. “I hope you haven’t offended them too much.”

“Oh no, uh, they’ll be fine.” Phil says with a light shake of his head and shrug of his shoulders.

“I’d hope so, good luck tonight.” 

“Don’t think I’ll need it.” Phil replies, takes a sip of coffee and starts heading towards the shop’s front door. His answer is fairly ambiguous, Dan figures he’s either extremely confident or the more likely scenario, he’s already in a long term, committed relationship. Dan thinks he probably is, he has a nice personality, nice blue eyes and a nice smile. Phil’s generally just nice.

“Well somebody’s feeling confident,” Dan’s verging on a laugh as he rests his elbows on the counter, leaning forward as to look Phil in the eyes.

Phil simply shrugs, inching closer to the door, the hint of a smirk spreading across his face. It’s not an answer but Dan decides not to push it.

“I wish I could stay but I really gotta run, I’ll text you, see you soon Dan,” Phil says, eyes filled with an anxious energy, he checks the time on his phone quickly just before ducking out of the front door.

Dan’s goodbye is cut off by the sound of the door slamming shut. He glances down at the time on his laptop, it reads 18:24. He's finally done for the day – not that much at all happened – so he stuffs all of his belongings into his backpack, locks the store up and heads to the nearest subway station. On his subway ride home, standing uncomfortably in a cramped subway car, Dan tries to distract himself by daydreaming about kind smiles and warm laughs. He tries to reassure himself that they're completely unrelated to anything that happened today. He's lying to himself.

Later that night as he’s lounging on his sofa watching the newest episode of How To Get Away With Murder, his phone buzzes, displaying a message from an unknown number. Phil.

212 555 2511: Hey! The dinner’s going to be this Thursday at 8. The restaurant’s called Elmo’s, it’s on 7th, hope you can make it! Thanks again for everything today :)

Dan can definitely make it. He quickly adds Phil to his contacts before typing up a reply.

___________________________________

Two days later, Thursday rolls around and Dan has another day of work at the studio. Per usual, it’s nothing too hectic – a shoot for a family portrait and a couple shoots for actors wanting headshots – but it’s nothing exciting either. Mostly, he’s just looking forward to the dinner later tonight. The prospect of meeting new people and eating at a nice restaurant and getting to know Phil better is what’s getting him through the work day.

“Amazing, thank you. Have a great day!” Dan calls after a customer exiting the shop. He organizes the handful of bills handed over to him into the cash register.

Once the bell above the door silences, Dan heads to the back of the shop, where the proper photography studio is to pack up his stuff and head out for the day.

“You seem awfully cheery ,” Dan’s coworker, PJ, notes as Dan’s packing up his camera equipment. It’s a cliché, a line right out of a movie, Dan feels the urge to roll his eyes. And though he won’t admit it to PJ's face, he is happy.

"Cheery isn’t the word I’d use but uh, I guess– maybe I am," Dan replies simply. Then his mouth quirks up in the smallest of smiles, he knows it'll play with PJ, make him want to know more.

Dan’s known PJ for what seems like forever but really it's only since he started university. They were two of the only students from England attending their university so in addition to having the same major, they had an instant, natural bond. The two took an internship at Lights, Camera, Action in their third year and their hard work at the studio graced them with getting hired properly right after graduation. They've both worked there since.

He makes Dan cry laughing and he's probably the most creative person he's ever met. Most importantly, he's always willing to listen to Dan rant about whatever topic, whenever. They hang out outside of work, for a drink after a long day or spending the weekend walking around the city taking photos.

“I know that smirk, what're you not telling me?" PJ crosses his arms assertively and shifts his way closer Dan.

What Dan appreciates most about his friendship with PJ is that – 95% of the time – they're completely and totally, brutally honest with each other. PJ talks about his qualms with the girl he's been chasing after for the past couple months and Dan rants and raves about a never ending list of topics that make his blood boil. In certain cases, like this, he likes to keep things to himself, but mostly, he likes to see PJ get frustrated when Dan knows something he doesn’t know.

“It's nothing seriously. Nothing." Dan pauses and PJ gives him a look, mouth set in a line, bright eyes turned weary. He can't lie to PJ, he caves. "You know that film guy I was telling you about the other day? I’m working on his film? He’s having a sort of dinner thing tonight. It– it's whatever."

PJ smiles coyly once he hears Dan’s answer, he takes it as a personal victory. "A date?" He inquires, nudging Dan with his shoulder.

Now, Dan feels it’s appropriate to roll his eyes. “No, god I barely know the guy. It's just the crew, just a get together. Getting to know each other type of thing.”

“Mhm, if you say so.”

"Friends. We're friends. You know like you and me?” He asks rhetorically, gesturing between the two of them with his hand.

“We’re friends? God why?” PJ looks up to the ceiling, as if some deity will be there to answer him.

Dan drops his jaw, faking offense. “You should feel honoured.”

"I'm kidding with you," PJ ruffles with Dan's hair, causing Dan to pull an annoyed face.

"You're horrible," Dan fiddles with his hair, wishing he had a mirror and trying to get it back to its normal state. He gives up when PJ starts laughing at him and picks up his camera bag in one hand, tripod in the other and heads through the door, back into the main entrance of the studio. 

PJ follows swiftly behind him, making an accusation of "Ah but you love me really."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night." Dan taunts, putting his camera bag and tripod back into the storage cupboard where all their equipment is kept. Then, he heads to the front of the store, grabs his jacket from the coat rack, stuffs his laptop in his backpack.

“Don’t want to stay with me to close up?” PJ asks, even though they’re both aware that it’s PJ’s turn.

“In all honesty, no. Plus, I have my dinner thing,” Dan slips on his coat and knitted hat then slings his backpack over one of his shoulders.

“Oh yes of course… Your date.” By this point, he’s just trying to rile Dan up.

“Goodnight PJ.” Beginning to push open the front door, Dan replies abruptly as to stop PJ from saying anything more.

A wish of “good luck” from PJ is the last thing Dan hears before exiting the shop. Once outside, he hears a faint call of goodbye and catches PJ waving to him from inside the shop. Dan waves back then heads on his way back to his apartment.

___________________________________

It’s an unpleasantly cold evening when Dan arrives outside of the restaurant, a nervous twinge starts to grow in the pit of his stomach. From the outside, it seems to be just a casual sit down place so thankfully, Dan’s dressed appropriately. But he can’t seem to shake feeling an unsteady, nervous excitement because truthfully, he’s not really sure what to expect. Besides their on and off texting, he’s only met Phil once before and not to mention, there’s the rest film crew that he has yet to meet.

Dan figures the only way he’ll settle his uneasy feeling is to muster up whatever confidence he needs and tackle the situation head first. So, he heads on into the restaurant, gives the hostess Phil’s name and she promptly leads him to the group’s table. It’s towards the back of the restaurant and seats around twenty people. They all seem to be talking amongst themselves, laughing, smiling. Dan hadn’t even considered the possibility that all of them might know each other already. He can’t help but feel like even more of an outsider.

“Dan!” Phil calls as soon as he catches sight of him, he raises his colourful cocktail topped with a cheesy drink umbrella, a smile spreading across his face. 

Dan gives a sheepish smile, accompanied by a small “Hi.”

Phil gets to his feet and walks over to Dan, clapping him on the back. “Everyone, this is Dan. He’s our replacement cinematographer and thankfully, has no broken limbs.”

“Well, as of now,” says Dan, which earns him a handful of laughs throughout the table group.

“Let’s hope there are no more injuries for our cinematographers,” replies Phil.

“Oh please, if anyone’s going to get injured on set, that’s you Phil.” A girl with bob length black hair and warm beige skin speaks up.

The group breaks out into laughter once again, the girl grins widely, radiating confidence.

“Lay off it Carmen,” Phil quips at the girl, though Dan thinks he notices his cheeks redden slightly as moves to sit back down in his seat, though it’s hard to tell under the dim restaurant lighting.

As much as Dan would’ve liked to sit beside Phil, the seats bookending him are occupied so he makes his way around the table to sit directly across from Phil and beside Carmen. She looks friendly enough.

She holds out her hand for Dan to shake once he sits down in his spot. “Carmen. Carmen Chun,” she states as Dan slips his hand into her’s and gives it a light shake.

“Dan Howell."

“You know, I think that’s the nicest Phil’s ever been to me? You made a horrible, life ruining decision choosing to work with him.” Carmen’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey,” Phil pipes up, mock offended and accusing.

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” she pauses, then directs her gaze to Phil, eyes sparkling from the candle light. “Though there was that one time you hit me in the nose with a boom mic which – by the way – gave me a nosebleed and didn’t notice for about a half hour later when my nose was still bleeding.”

Phil puts his hands over in his eyes, in an attempt to hide from the embarrassment. “Not this again.”

“Hey, to be fair, he was helping me out carrying stuff around,” interjects the guy to the left of Phil, who has tightly curled dark hair and is sporting glasses with thick, black frames.

“Nick, he caused me physical pain, I’m not letting him live this down.”

“Don’t listen to Carmen,” Nick’s dark eyes connect with Dan’s. “She’s just bitter. Phil’s actually, probably the nicest person I know. Though, you know, I’d never admit it,” he falses a cough, eyes shifting to Phil who’s giving him the side eye.

“Thanks Nick, I really appreciate that,” Phil says flatly.

“Of course Phil, anything for you.” Nick places a hand over his heart.

Phil rolls his eyes then looks to Dan, “anyway, let’s get you a drink.” He notions to a nearby waiter who makes their way over to take Dan’s order.

Dan hasn’t even begun to look over the drink menu and not wanting to waste the waiter’s time he orders a simple vodka cranberry, something he knows he likes.

“Good choice,” Carmen notes, gesturing to her own vodka cranberry. “Good to know you’re not one of those super extravagant cocktail people like Phil here.”

Dan looks over to Phil’s drink which is a tall, blue cocktail topped with a maraschino cherry, a slice of pineapple and a drink umbrella. He admits it’s a bit overtop but– “Hey, it looks pretty good to me.” He says, backing Phil up.

“Thank you Dan,” Phil emphasises Dan's name, then gazes to Carmen. “I’m sorry I don’t like drinks that taste like rubbing alcohol.”

“Come on, that’s the cheap stuff and besides, we’re not downing straight up vodka.”

“Phil just has a–” Dan pauses to search for the right words. “Sophisticated palette,” he finishes. Phil gives him a private smile which looks as if he’s trying his hardest to keep it from verging on a laugh.

“Right, all of you, shut up. Wine is clearly the superior drink of choice,” Nick holds up his glass of red wine to prove his point.

“Alright snob,” scoffs Carmen before adding, “let’s order something to eat, I’m starving.”

Dan can’t argue with that, he is too.

From appetizers – which Dan eats too much of – to the main course, to dessert – which is a slice of cake he shares with Carmen – the food is absolutely delicious. Not to mention, the drinks which Dan has a few too many of but make his night more easy and relaxed. As the night draws to a close, Dan finds himself not wanting it to end. He doesn’t even know why he felt nervous about tonight, everybody apart of the crew that he’s met so far, is a genuinely funny, nice person. He genuinely likes everybody there.

According to Phil, the dinner group isn’t the entire film crew, as it would be nearly impossible to have a dinner with all of them in one restaurant but Dan manages to exchange introductions to everyone at the immediate table group. He also learns everybody’s roles in the production. Carmen is the executive producer; Nick is the lighting director. Another girl there with bright red hair, Valerie, is the hair and makeup artist and a older man with a loud laugh, Kyle, is the props master.

Dan hasn’t worked on a film in ages but spending time with this group of people he’s reminded of the feeling of togetherness, cooperation and teamwork that he’s always admired about film crews. They’re all separate parts, doing their own things and working in their own particular areas but everyone’s individual hard work is apart of something much bigger. It’s all apart of one project, one goal, that is only accomplished if all the separate parts fit and work together to achieve something much bigger than any individual person.

In addition to learning what every individual person in the crew does, Dan learns more about the film they’re all working towards. In Carmen’s words, it’s “a sort of indie horror type film.” Although Dan’s not the biggest fan of horror, he admits the plot sounds gripping and unique and Phil’s clearly strongly passionate about it. According to Nick, Phil’s a bit of an obsessive horror fanatic.

“It’s weird,” Nick says, casually, resting his arms on the table.

“It’s not weird,” Phil argues, shooting a look to Nick.

“Phil, you read Stephen King books before bed. Like they’re bedtime stories.” He pauses for a second before looking to Dan, “we were roommates for two years.”

“It was awful,” Phil groans.

“Hey–,” Nick nudges Phil in the side with his elbow.

By this time, a large majority of the dinner group has left for the night. Left at the table is Dan, Phil, Carmen, Nick and Anaya, one of the film editors. Dan checks his phone for a brief second and the time reads 21:54. While he’d love to stay for longer, he has his first shift tomorrow at around 6 am.

Dan waits until he notices a lull in the conversation before announcing his departure.

Phil’s eyes flick to Dan’s ever so briefly before he speaks, catching Dan off guard. “Uh– y’know, I should probably get going too.”

“Aw c’mon,” Nick protests then says something to Phil, which Dan quite make out as he’s busy exchanging phone numbers with Carmen and Anaya. Whatever it is, Phil lets out a sigh of exasperation and jokingly tells Nick to shut up, he drops it. The two say their goodbyes to the remainder of the group and head outside together.

It’s completely dark out by this hour. The area outside the restaurant is only illuminated by the street lights and store signs. The powerful notes of a saxophone from a nearby jazz bar can just be faintly heard over the habitual New York sounds. Traffic – complete with cars skidding their tires against the street and horns blaring at taxi drivers move at snail pace. Clubs and pubs – all blaring their music at inhumanly decibels. And the people – shouts of twenty somethings drunkenly singing the lyrics to a top 40 pop song and the quiet chatter of the restaurant behind Dan and Phil.

They stand side by side on the sidewalk, both silent for a long pause, both waiting for the other to make the first move to say something. It’s Dan who ends up relenting.

“Uh, thanks for inviting me tonight, I really had a lot of fun and I’m really excited to work with all of you guys.” Dan says earnestly, absentmindedly fiddling with a loose bit of stitching on the end of his black denim jacket.

“Of course, thanks helping out and thanks for coming on such short notice– sorry about that by the way.” Phil trails off meekly, keeping his hands in the pockets of his green bomber jacket as to keep them warm. “This has been such a long time coming and having everyone together at this dinner just makes it feel even more real, I guess?”

“No yeah I get that, I can’t even imagine how you must feel,” Dan finishes with a laugh.

“This is the biggest thing I’ve ever done so I’m slightly terrified,” Phil looks directly to Dan, using his hands to gesticulate the quantity of a slight amount of something. ”But mostly excited and mostly, I can’t wait to start properly working on it.”

“Me too,” Dan nods in response before asking, “Where you headed to?”

“I’m taking the subway home, I get off at 23rd.”

“Oh? Really? Perfect. Me too.”

“Well lucky for us then.” Phil bumps elbows with Dan, smirking.

A gust of cold wind picks up and small flakes of snow begin to tumble down from the sky, sending prickling shivers down Dan’s spine. This prompts him to cross his arms and pull down on his thick, knitted hat in an attempt for additional warmth. “Jesus it’s cold, let’s get going before we start to get hypothermia.”

“I second you on that,” Phil sniggers before spontaneously taking off into a light jog.

“Hey!” Dan calls after him, picking up his pace to catch up.

“Walking that slowly isn’t going to stop you from getting hypothermia!” Phil turns his head to look back at Dan, a confident grin fills his face and lifts his overall expression.

“You are not making me run,” Dan grumbles.

“Hey, it’ll keep you warm,” Phil contends, stopping completely so he’s right next to Dan.

Dan supposes he’s right and a jog wouldn’t hurt, even though snow’s starting to dot the ground and he’s sure that’s some sort of major safety violation. “I guess,” Dan submits, though that may have something to do with the alcohol still coursing through his system.

“Great, c’mon,” Phil bumps shoulders with Dan and the two begin jogging – though Dan thinks he’d refer to it more as a shuffling speed walk – to the closest station.

Their ride together on the subway is fairly quiet, neither of them having much to say and both of them being grateful for the encompassing warmth that the subway provides. Phil shares a story about how once he really did, almost, develop hypothermia while skiing. Thankfully, he was only left with temporary blue-purple toes, but Phil freaked out completely and thought it would be a good idea to burn the tips of his toes with a candle as a way to reverse the damage but it just ended up giving him second degree burns instead.

Dan, dizzily happy and mildly drunk, bursts at hearing the story, the subway cart shaking along with his laughter. An older, tired looking woman across from them gives him a look as he tries to contain himself.

“I deserve that,” Phil’s staring at Dan figure hunched over laughing.

“Why would that– ever be a good idea?” Dan’s breathing unsteadily.

“Did I mention I was 12?” Phil asks.

“Yes but– oh my god Phil. I was an absolute idiot at 12 but that, wow,” by this point, Dan’s really trying his hardest to stop laughing.

“Stop,” Phil protests, “I would’ve never told you if I knew that you’d react like this.” A tint of colour and warmth fills his cheeks.

“Oh man, I’m never letting you forget that,” Dan says, now able to speak normally without succumbing to laughter.

“Please, I think I spent the last 16 years of my life trying to repress that memory. It hurt to walk for about a month.” Phil complains, getting up from his seat just as the subway doors ding open, now stationed at their shared stop.

“I can imagine it would,” Dan follows Phil and they head out onto the subway platform.

“I can’t believe I told you that, I don’t think anybody besides my family knows about that,” Phil grits his teeth.

“That was probably for the best, too bad you’ve broken it.”

“This is your fault,” Phil jibes, pointing his finger at Dan.

“How’s it my fault? You’re the one who brought up hypothermia.” Realisation flickers across Phil’s face, he doesn’t argue.

“Which way are you headed?” Phil swiftly changes topic, having to raise his voice over the sound of the subway train speeding through station.

Dan just only makes out what Phil’s says over the noise but he manages to respond, “North, my apartment’s on 28th,”

“I guess this is where we part ways then, mine’s on 21st,” supplies Phil as they come to the stop in the middle of the station platform. People either hurrying or patiently waiting to catch oncoming trains on either side of them.

“Well tonight was great, thanks again,” says Dan, voice soft and sincere.

“Of course, thanks for coming” Phil adjusts his fringe ever so slightly and gives Dan a glint of a smile.

“Well I guess I'll see you next Monday then.” Dan can’t help but reciprocate Phil’s expression.

“Yeah, Monday.”

“So that leaves, what? Four days until production?” Dan asks

“Four days.” Phil repeats with a nod, as if he’s trying to make himself grasp on to the fact that everything’s coming together so soon. He’s filled with incredulity and disbelief as if trying to process the whole situation.

“Until then,” Dan nods in response.

“Bye Dan!” Phil waves off, making his way to the stairs headed south.

Dan gives a small wave in return before heading up the northbound stairs. He pops in his headphones, Raleigh Ritchie’s smooth vocals, harsh honest lyrics and catchy beats carrying him on his rather short walk home. The air has seemed to only turn colder, he buries his hands in his jacket pockets, picks up his pace and he’s suddenly thankful for remembering to take his hat with him earlier that morning.

When Dan reaches the warmth and comfort of his apartment, he hangs up his jacket and hat on the coatrack in the corner near the front door. Quickly, he takes a trip to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and downs two glasses of water along with an ibuprofen, hoping they’ll cure his inevitable hangover. Wrapping himself up in the embrace of his bed, Dan is thankful for heating and comforters and the future ahead of him. It doesn’t take him long to drift off, the pull of sleep drawing him in close as he dreams of the exciting production yet to come. He sleeps easily that night, easier than he has in a long time and that may or may not be thanks to Phil.

___________________________________

Through work and the weekend, four days pass and at 7 am sharp on Monday morning, Dan’s alarm goes off. The familiar sounds of his marimba ringtone jolts him out of bed. After a quick shower, two cups of coffee and 20 minutes spent deciding his outfit, he double checks the address Phil sent him, hoists on his backpack with his camera and sets out on his way.

True Film Production is the production company helping fund, schedule, produce, market and distribute Phil’s film. Luckily, it’s only a fifteen minute subway ride from 23rd street station but at this time in the peak of rush hour, it’ll definitely take longer. He’s leaning against the metal door of the subway cart when Dan realises he doesn’t particularly mind the extra time, it gives him time to settle his nerves about the day to come. Without a doubt, he’s excited and confident in his skills but the last time Dan worked on a film was in university for his minor. He just hopes he won’t pale in comparison to Phil’s usual cinematographer.

The weather has warmed up by a few degrees so Dan loses the hat but still keeps his hands tucked away into his jacket as he makes his way out of the station and onto the sidewalk. The sun is just poking through the clouds, its beams radiating onto the tall, glass windowed skyscrapers below and reflecting into Dan’s eyes. He shields his eyes from the light with his left hand, turns a corner and before he knows it, he spots True Film Production logo on the front of a building just ahead of him.

Pushing the door open with one of his hands, Dan uses the other to retrieve his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans. He sends Phil a quick text telling him that he's arrived. Not even 30 seconds later, Phil's sent him a reply back telling Dan to meet the crew on the 4th floor of the building where the True Film Productions headquarters are. They're set to do a table read of the script, so technically Dan doesn't have to be there but Phil insisted he come along anyway. Plus Dan figures it'll be an opportunity for him to get to know more of the crew as well as the actors he'll be working with. 

Within a matter of seconds, Dan's arrived at the 4th floor, he steps out, pulling on the straps of his backpack. He walks down the harsh, artificially lit corridor until he finds a door with a metal plaque that reads "True Film Productions.” Carefully, he turns the handle and makes his way inside. A receptionist sits at a front desk, she looks up at him as the door clicks shut behind him.

"Do you know where I'd be able to find Phil Lester?" Dan asks, keeping his hands in his pockets.

He's not sure if it's the right thing to ask, he isn't even sure if the receptionist will know who Phil is but thankfully for him, she gives him a nod and a tight smile which sets deep in her prominent wrinkle lines. "If you make your way down the hall, he and his crew should be in the room on the fourth door on the left. " 

"Thanks," Dan returns her gentle smile and begins to follow the doors until he reaches the fourth door on the left. 

Already, he can hear people speaking from outside the room. Laughter and conversation, people introducing themselves, small talk and funny anecdotes shared within a group. Stepping into the room, the first the Dan notices is the size of the group he's going to be working with. There has to be at least fifty people confined within the four walls of a conference room. A large, long wood table centers the room and is positioned parallel to the wall of floor to ceiling glass windows that overlooks a view of the buildings across the street from them. 

Next, he spots Phil, standing off to one side of the room, chatting with two other people, they appear to be deep in conversation. Dan doesn't want to disturb them but after giving the room another sweeping glance, he can only find a couple people he recognizes from the dinner they had the previous night but no one he’d really spoken to. And he certainly can't find Nick or Carmen, who would've been his people to go to but as they're no where to be seen, Dan heads over to where Phil's standing as a last resort. 

Phil catches sight of Dan almost immediately, "Dan!" he He calls, breaking conversation with the two other people he's with. "Hey, I'm so glad you could make it," he places his hand on Dan's shoulder quickly before dropping it and keeping his hand placed awkwardly in his jean pocket.

"Wouldn't miss this," Dan replies with a curt smile.

"Dan, this is Alex, our lead,” he gestures to the girl standing straight across from him. She gives Dan a shy smile, twirling on the ends of her thick, long brown hair as if it's some sort of nervous tick. "And this, he gestures to the guy next to Alex, "is Frank, he's the executive producer. Which I'm sure he can tell you all about because if I'm being honest I have no idea what that entails."

"Neither do I sometimes, to be fair," jokes Frank and all three of them give him a laugh. "Frank, Alex. This is Dan, he's the our cinematographer, well, replacement cinematographer after Drew managed to break both his legs."

"The amount of times Drew's had injuries just before productions, you'd think he's doing it on purpose." says Frank, clearly having worked with both and him and Phil previously. And so, Phil's the only one that laughs at the joke and shares his agreement.

They make casual conversation to pass time until the entire expected cast and crew arrives. Then, Phil announces to the entire group that they'll be settling down and starting their table tread within the next five few minutes.

Eventually, all the actors are seated, lead roles and one liners, are all gathered around the the wood table. The rest of the crew chooses to either sit or stand around on the edges of the room while Phil, on the other hand, sits at the head of the table. As Phil takes his place at the head of the table, the conversation amongst the cast and crew dies down almost completely, everyone showing him their utmost respect. 

"Alright everyone, thank you all so much for being here. And congratulations to all of you actors. I'm so glad to have all of you here and I'm so glad that all of you here have agreed to help me and work with me on my film. This has been a dream of mine to make and it's been a work in progress for years. But now, it's finally happening and I would just like to thank all of you for helping me get here," It's clear Phil's nervous, he stumbles over his words a handful of times and glances to the ground far too often. "So, let the production begin!" Phil finishes with a confident smile and the room erupts in cheering and applause. Dan watches Phil's smile grow at the reassuring encouragement, approval and appraisal from the people of the people around him. 

Through bursts of laughter, mishaps after about two and a half hours, the cast manages to finish /get their entire way through the script.

The table read really allows Dan to develop a better understanding of the story and to further advance his appreciation for Phil's amazing creativity and outstanding writing skills. Not to mention, the brilliant actors who were able to capture and bring Phil's words to life. Although it was only a table read, some of the more tense, emotional parts of the script brought chills to Dan's spine.

When Phil's done with being stopped every few seconds to be complimented and congratulated, he manages to sneak his way over to Dan.

"Phil, that was incredible," Dan elates, sitting up properly in his chair.

"Please,” Phil flushes, giving Dan’s shoulder a light shove.

"Don't you appreciate my compliments?" Dan taunts.

"No, no," Phil rushes, thinking Dan is serious, "Oh god no, that's not what I meant at all. I just– I've been bombarded with compliments for the past hour almost and my ears are just about ready to fall off.” Phil crosses his arms. "And it's not as if I'm not grateful, because I am, god really I am but it's just so overwhelming you know?" He looks Dan directly in the eyes, feeling unsure and using his hands to to emphasize his point.

"Yeah, hey, don't worry I was just joking," Dan smiles cautiously, fingers fiddling together. "I can't imagine what this must feel like– Exciting but– God."

"I'd probably use every good adjective in the dictionary to describe," states Phil," but it's overwhelming and crazy and I'm so exhausted." He leans back in his chair, shutting his eyes and wanting to let himself drift off.

"Did you even sleep last night?"

"Honestly?" Phil opens one eye while managing to keep the other shut, "not really. Thanks to nerves I probably got about two hours of sleep, total. I feel like the human embodiment of death."

Dan sniggers, “Ouch. Coffee not helping you out?"

"Not as much as I would've liked," Phil groans, voice heavy and irritated, He slings an arm over his eyes in an attempt to block out the sunlight streaming through the windows

Dan watches, noticing the dark, almost purple coloured shadows under Phil's eyes and the downset of his mouth. Suddenly, Dan's thankful for the fact that they're off to the side, in a corner of the room where no one's disturbing them.

"God and I think I have a headache coming on," Phil slumps in his chair, covering his face with the palms of his hands.

"Jesus Phil, you sure you're up for the rest of today?" They’re supposed to get a few transitional shots of the city along with a few exterior shots and specific landmarks needed for the film.

"Yeah, yeah, " he shakes it off, sitting with his back pressed against the back of the chair. "l´ll be fine, just nerves and whatever. Thanks.” Phil places a hand on Dan's knee and the contact causes a surge of warmth to spread throughout Dan from his face to his fingers to the pit of his stomach to his toes. Quickly he adds, "I should get back out there and keep talking to people though."

And just like that, Phil makes his way over to another group of people, Dan has yet to meet, puts on his brightest smile, though Dan can see right through his forced façade.

Dan on the other hand, makes his way over to Alex who's standing with a handful of other actors that Dan remembers being really outstanding at the table read. Quickly, they're launched into a conversation about the best character to play as in Mariokart. Dan prefers to play has his mii personally, but that earns him comments about him being egotistical so he figures he's already lost the argument.

While the others continue their debate, Dan glances over at Phil from across the room a couple times during conversation, and each time Phil looks more bored and exhausted than the next. He knows Phil feeling like shit has nothing to do with him and it's totally out of his control. Dan feels almost guilty.

Dan suddenly forms an idea in his head and tells Alex and the other actors that he has to go check something involving the film, they seem surprised at the abruptness but all say their goodbyes regardless. He makes his way over to where Phil's standing.

Dan places a light hand on his shoulder, which Phil was apparently completely blindsided by as it causes him to almost physically jump in the air. "Jesus, Dan, hi."

"Sorry, is it important? I'm kind of the the middle of something," Phil grits his teeth, nodding his head towards the two men in front of him, his expression spilling over with annoyance. He looks as if he'd rather be anywhere else in the world. He's chatting to two older men in suits, their faces both painted with deep set wrinkles, their hair balding and grey. Dan’s not sure what they do or how they’re involved in the film but it’s clear Phil isn’t too fond of them.

"Uh, er, yeah, it's really important. For tomorrow? The special equipment we were meant to discuss? Remember?" Dan's voice is spilling over is filled to the brim with sarcasm, he's honestly surprised that the two other men don't realise.

"Wh–"

Dan cuts Phil off before he can even begin.

"It's very important, Very Important. Remember? We have to go." Dan manages his best, most subtle wink which probably ends up looking more like more of some sort of strange twitch.

'"Oh–uh, alright. Right." Phil agrees unsteadily, before turning to face the other two men. "I'm so sorry, I'd love to continue this later. But I just, um, remembered that this is extremely urgent. It was really great meeting It was really great getting to talk to you both again." He gives his most sincere, though somewhat strained, smile then turns to follow Dan, leaving the two men with puzzled expressions.

“What the hell was that?” Phil hisses, once they’re out of earshot.

“You looked bored and tired and you mentioned your headache so I figured you could use someone to rescue you,” Dan says triumphantly.

Phil laughs, loud and open and happy. “Was it that obvious?”

“The murderous expression on your face kind of gave it away,” Dan teases. “Plus I wouldn’t want to be in that position if I were you, those guys looked intimidating as hell.”

“They’re just apart of True Film Productions, but to be completely honest, I can’t stand them. They keep trying to convince me to change things about the film for marketability.” Phil uses air quotes on that last word. “So really, thank you. You really are my hero.”

“Of course,” a grin sticks to Dan’s face upon hearing Phil’s words.

Taking a look around the room, Phil gives a quick glance to his manager, Darlene before speaking again. “If you’d like to come, I was thinking of going out someplace to eat. Think of it as my pay back for you saving me I’d just need to double check with Darlene but as long as we’re back before 1 o’clock I think we should be good.”

“Sounds good to me,” Dan responds and before he knows it, Phil has the a-okay from Darlene and they’re headed out of the building together and off in the search of lunch.

“Craving anything in particular?” Dan questions as they begin to walk up the street. It’s not exactly an area he’s familiar with so he’s not exactly sure what’s around; but if worst comes to worst there’ll no doubt be some greasy fast food place no less than 500m away from them at all times.

“Maybe some ibuprofen,” Phil says, rubbing his temples with the tips of his fingers, trying to sooth his growing headache.

“Woah there, I asked for your lunch preference not your drug of choice.”

“Ha ha,” says Phil deadpans. “You know what I mean.”

“Drugstore trip, then food, got it,” nods Dan. “Oh, look, there’s a Walgreen's.”

“Well how lucky for us,” says Phil as they’re standing waiting at a crosswalk. Cars and taxis blaring their horns at one another angrily. The trip to Walgreen's is uneventful aside from the fact that Dan becomes fascinated with one of the singing birthday cards in the card and stationery aisle. Phil’s not even sure how they ended up there on their way to the medicine aisle.

Dan shuts and open the card on repeat, just to hear the tune again. It’s nothing special, it’s just happy birthday but it’s entirely comprised of dog barks instead of people singing. “This is the best I’ve ever heard– ever seen. Oh my god.” He continues to carry and play with the card until they reach the medicine aisle and Phil can’t take it any longer.

“Dan.” He almost snaps, though Dan can’t say he doesn’t deserve it, he knows he does. “Headache? Remember? The entire reason why we’re here?”

“Sorry,” Dan tries to repress his laughter, turning blotchy and red and suddenly seeming incredibly interested in the marks on his shoes. He sets the card down by the section of digestive aids and medications.

Finally, Phil retrieves his ibuprofen and they make their way to the checkout. As they’re standing in line, Dan asks, “When’s your birthday? I already know what card I’m getting you.”

“I’m not telling you my birthday if you’re getting me that. I already get enough headaches as it is, I really don’t need one on my birthday.”

Dan thinks for a moment that he’s genuinely upset Phil, who’s preoccupied with handing over a twenty to the pimply, teenaged cashier. But as they step out of the Walgreen’s, necessary ibuprofen obtained successfully and bagged in Phil’s grasp when he says, “January 30th.”

At first Dan doesn’t understand and confusion flickers across his face.

Then as they start walking, Phil continues, “My birthday.”

“I figured. That’s awfully far away though, too bad you’ll have to wait so long to receive your extraordinary, outstanding, amazing card.”

“Yes, it’s such a shame…..” says Phil flatly.

“Hey, you love it,” Dan gives Phil a push as they begin to make their way across the crosswalk once again. A car whizzes past just in front of them and Dan’s life nearly flashes before his eyes.

Dan worryingly glances over to Phil, who’s stood still in place, eyes wide. “Are you trying to shove me into traffic and kill me?”

“To be fair, that car would’ve killed both of us,” Dan reasons.

“Yes, thanks Dan, that’s incredibly reassuring,” Phil replies and Dan’s face pulls into a smirk.

They meander casually and quietly along the street once they’ve crossed over until Phil spots a pizza parlour that intrigues him. Making their way inside, they seat themselves at a table and begin to browse the menu.

“I’ve never understood how anyone could have anchovies on their pizza,” Phil wrinkles his nose in disgusting, looking down at the menu.

“You mean you don’t want tiny little fish on your pizza?” Dan asks sarcastically, leaning his elbows on the edge of the table in front of him.

Phil lets out a short laugh, “not particularly. D’y know what you’re going to get?”

“I was thinking of getting the extra cheesy pizza,” Dan runs his finger over the name and description of the dish on the menu Phil’s holding.

“Extra cheesy? Really?” Phil gives an unimpressed look.

“What? What’s wrong with that?” Dan asks defensively.

“I hate cheese.”

“You hate cheese? Who are you? I don’t know you.”

“On pizza it’s okay but only a little bit. Anything other than that though -,” Phil makes a gagging sound and sticks his tongue out.

Dan shrugs his shoulders, “Your loss, weirdo.”

“It’s not weird,” Phil insists before taking a sip from his glass of water.

“You tell yourself that.”

Soon enough, the waiter arrives to take their order and before they know it, she’s returned with their two pizzas and a coke for Phil. At the beginning of their lunch, they make small talk, then slowly progress into sharing stories from their childhood, the two of them sharing a love for 90s video games, embarrassing situations from their university years – never to be discussed again – and debate their favourite films. Discovering that they both have a deep admiration for Quentin Tarantino and Studio Ghibli movies.

“They’re part of the reason why I started to make films,” Phil admits, “along with Stephen King. The Shining was my favourite movie when I was 13. I’ve probably seen it 20 times, I was a… weird kid.”

“You don’t say,” Dan jokes, setting down his slice of pizza.

For a while more, they discuss filmmaking and tv shows and music, discover the things they have in common, express their opinions and begin to develop a bond over them. Already in their short time together, Dan discovers that he really enjoys talking to Phil and spending time with him. They’ve only known each other for a matter of days but have both revealed loads of shared interests and favourite things within that time.

If he’s going to be honest, besides, PJ, Dan doesn’t have a ton of friends, he’s usually far too consumed in his work. PJ’s great. Undoubtedly, they’re best friends. Though there are rare occasions where Dan meets someone he gets on well with and he doesn’t just mean a casual friend but a different, deeper kind of friendship like the one he has with PJ. Someone who shares a vast majority of interests with him and someone who understands him deeply and connects with him instantly.

And although, him and Phil aren’t far into their friendship, he can definitely feel the beginning of a relationship of those sorts. They just click, the conversation flows endlessly between them, there isn’t any unease or feeling of heavy, tense time ticking between them. Any of the pauses that do occur within their conversations are few and far between and void of awkwardness. Dan’s grateful for that, extremely so, and the beginnings of this new, fresh friendship make him excited and happy and he feels a bit childish but throughout their meal, he smiles all the same.

When they’re finished eating, Phil swallows two pills of ibuprofen with the remaining few sips of his glass of coke, they split the bill and exit the pizza parlour to head back to the True Films Productions headquarters.

“Thanks for rescuing me by the way,” Phil says, hands kept in his jacket pockets, and fringe ruffling sightly thanks to the chilling autumn air.

“Of course, what can I say, I’m your knight in shining armor.” Dan places a hand on his chest, pointing to himself as if it wasn’t already obvious.

“Don’t toot your own horn over there,” Phil says, as they slip through the doorway to the headquarters and make their way up the stairs.

For the rest of the day, they work outside, gathering shots of building exteriors for the film. They’re mainly establishing wide shots of buildings and landmarks and while Dan’s not one to brag he has to say, they look really good. All his worries about not being good enough and being rusty have dissipated once he watches back his footage. It’s seriously tiring, carrying his camera bag, setting up and shooting footage is a long process especially when repeated for a multitude of different locations. Not to mention, Phil’s a bit of a perfectionist and wants every shot to be exactly how he’s envisioned them. So he watches them all back a few times to make sure he’s 100% happy with them. With that added pressure piled on, no doubt, it’s lots of work but at the end of the day, Dan’s very pleased with his results.

Once again, that night he takes the subway home with Phil, this becomes somewhat of a routine for them. As does their lunch outings, depending on where they are in the city for that day of shooting, they’ll venture out and about and find whatever place seems most appealing to them. Sometimes, some other crew or cast members will join them but most of the time, it tends to just be the two of them, which Dan has no complaints about. Spending time with Phil is easy, it’s fun, it’s exciting, he’s really, seriously getting to know someone new.

In a short period of time, all their time spent together working, eating and commuting, allows them to learn each other's interests and hobbies outside of work, their strong likes and dislikes – cheese being one of Phil’s dislikes and Guild Wars being one of Dan’s likes – and they begin to pick up on one another’s quirks. They manage to get fairly close within a small span of about three weeks, which Dan considers to be strange compared to his usual friendships. It took him months before he really even started to develop a close relationship with PJ, but this is different, it feels different and Dan can’t put his finger on what exactly.

Usually by now he’d be sick of spending so much time with a person, he even gets sick of PJ at times when they spend all week together working and all weekend together playing video games. Even with all of Phil’s complaints about redoing shots to get things just right and even with the long, busy subway rides they share, Dan finds their time spent together feels effortless, not that he’s complaining.

___________________________________

On the Friday on the third week of November, they have what has to be the busiest day of the entire film production so far. Today’s shoot has a later start time in order to get the proper night time lighting instead of trying to replicate it. They spend most of the night in the abandoned hotel where a large majority of the film takes place. A large part of their time is spent lugging camera equipment and lighting and props up and down stairs due to the non functioning elevators. The cramped corners of the small rooms and tight spaces along with the eery location made for a different, tiring experience. At the end of the shoot, Dan’s tired and slightly shaken by the creepy location but mostly grateful to be headed back home.

“Great job today everyone!” Phil announces as everyone’s packing up. “Sorry about the late call time but you were all amazing today so go take a nice, well deserved rest and we’ll see you all at 11 am tomorrow.”

Just before leaving, Phil pulls Alex and her co-star, Isa aside to discuss their upcoming scene tomorrow. Since they’re a couple in the film, the scene is going to be veering towards the intimate side so Phil’s gone to assure they’re comfortable and prepared for it. When they’re done talking, the two actresses head down the stairs to the main lobby of the hotel while Phil heads towards where Dan and Carmen are standing – both listening to Phil’s conversation with Alex and Isa and laughing. His face is beet red. 

“God that’s gotta be one of the most awkward parts of directing.” Phil shudders.

Dan gives a laugh in response and Carmen gives him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before hiking on her backpack.

“I’ll see you both tomorrow,” she gives them both a wave while descending the stairs.

“Ready to go?” Phil asks, looking to see if Dan has all of his stuff packed up.

Luckily, Dan does and he groans in relief. “Fuck yes, I’m exhausted.”

By the time Dan and Phil are making their way back home on the subway, it’s about 3am, the complete emptiness allows them to grab two seats next to each other. When a lull arrives in their conversation about the Final Fantasy franchise, Dan’s 3am fatigue seems to overwhelm him. Internally he’s telling himself not to, fighting against the urge but the draw is all too intriguing and before he can stop himself, his eyes begin to shut and body begins to lean towards Phil, eventually slumping against him.

Phil almost jumps at the sudden contact then can’t help but laugh to himself. “Dan,” he says quietly, shaking his shoulder trying to wake him. Nothing happens. Phil knows they’re almost at their stop by now, it wouldn’t be fair to let him sleep. “Dan,” he gives Dan’s upper arm a squeeze which causes him to jolt awake.

“Jesus, God, fuck sorry,” he stumbles over his words, covering his face with his hands, embarrassed.

“Unfortunately ‘m not Jesus. Or God, sorry to disappoint.”

Dan rolls his eyes, “Yeah sorry, it’s really hard to tell the difference when you’ve got that beard going on.”

“You noticed?” Phil mimes stroking his invisible beard. “I’ve been growing it out for months to fulfill my dreams of being a Jesus impersonator.”

“You can join the mascots in Times Square. Y’know your typical favourite kids characters, Spongebob, Elmo, Spiderman and… Jesus.” Dan gestures to Phil with an open palm.

“Yes I’m sure people would love that. How totally and completely inoffensive.”

“Or you could join the religious protesters,” Dan brushes against Phil as the train pulls to a halt. He looks out the window and glances at a sign with the station’s name, realising that they’ll be getting off at the next stop.

“Don’t know how much they’d appreciate a gay Jesus joining them,” says Phil casually, shaking his head side to side slowly.

Dan instinctively gives him a laugh, then when he realises the weight of Phil’s words, he lets out a quiet, “Oh.” Even with their close proximity, and the silence aside from the hum of the subway cars gliding against the rails, he doubts Phil’s even able to hear it.

“I don’t have to ask if that’s okay with you do I?” Phil gives him a tired look. “Because frankly, even if it wasn’t I wouldn’t give a shit.”

“No, no it’s fine seriously. I– I get it. I mean, I’m– me too.” It’s not a proper answer, because really, Dan never expected him to open up (if he can even call it that) to Phil about his sexuality when they’ve only known each other for a month.

Phil has a label to his sexuality, plain and simple. But Dan can’t seem to find the comfort in having a title as so many other people do. He’s just never been one for labels. What does he even begin to say to Phil so that he understands what he’s saying? Why can’t he just pick a name for himself? Why does he feel that labels, at least regarding sexuality, complicate things? For some, labels and identification and definitions may be a huge help and an aid in them accepting themselves, for Dan they’ve only made things messier than they need be. Especially when he’s constantly feeling unsure with himself and who he is.

And that’s not even mentioning the stereotypes that come along with claiming a label. If he identifies a certain way then surely he should be effeminate or greedy and unable to keep a stable relationship or be attracted to everyone he sees. Those negative connotations shy him away from choosing a definitive identification. God forbid he ever changes his mind about his identity as that would do nothing but create even more problems, because surely, he was faking it before.

These types of thoughts are often the ones that consume his mind late at night. He feels ridiculous sometimes, being 25 and still trying to figure himself out and pin point who he is. On top of all those perplexities, he wonders if there’s even a point in doing so when human sexuality is so incredibly flexible and fluid.

From knowing him for the few weeks that he has, Dan’s noticed that Phil’s extremely understanding, easy going and open minded about almost everything. So he feels that telling him how he really identifies won’t be a problem, it’ll be easy.

Dan doesn’t look Phil in the eyes when he says, “I don’t really like to label myself.”

“Oh, yeah, me neither really,” Phil smiles earnestly. “I just tend to use gay as a sort of umbrella term sometimes, it’s easier that way I guess. Easier to explain to some people at least. And y’know with my boyfriend Benji, people tend to just assume.” Right. His boyfriend. Dan tends to forget, Phil doesn’t seem to mention him often.

And it is easy.

And the subway doors open at their desired station. And they get off the cart together. And it’s just that simple, Phil leaves it at that and he isn’t questioning or rude or condescending like other people have been when he tells them about his identity. He just understands, it’s simple, it’s easy and the weight lifts off Dan’s shoulders slightly, he feels lighter, less tense. A reassuring warmth spreads throughout him but the feeling results in nothing more than a smile.

Dan walks at an uncharacteristically slow pace when walking to the middle of the platform, there’s only a couple people on the platform with them. It’s not as usual where he has to pick up his pace to keep up with the speed of the crowd.He looks back to find Phil, meet his gaze and he’s right beside him, right behind him, he’s steady.

Phil places a hand on Dan’s shoulder, warm, comforting, steady. He’s looking Dan right in the eyes, serious and steady and Dan suddenly feels like he’s stripped bare, as if Phil can see right through him, he feels vulnerable. “All that stuff. Sexuality, labels, I get it. Don’t feel like you can’t be open about it, and you know, if you ever need to talk...”

“I– I’m– Thanks, I really, really appreciate it.” Dan struggles with the words to say because he’s tried to talk about this with PJ but this is the one level that they can’t seem to understand and connect with each other. After all, PJ’s straight so Dan’s not really sure what he expected but knowing that Phil understands how he feels is a tremendous comfort. What comes out of his mouth pales in comparison to how he really feels and what he actually wants to say to Phil.

“Of course, whatever you need, that’s what friends are for,” Phil says with a glint his eyes, removing his hand from Dan’s shoulder and hits him lightly on his upper arm.

Dan smiles even wider at that comment, his dimples setting deeply and prominently into his lower cheeks. “See you Monday, Phil.”

“Monday,” Phil returns Dan’s happy, contented expression before turning to make his way to the opposite staircase leading him southbound.

Dan may not like labels in terms of his own sexuality, but if there’s one label he can do with, it’s the label of friendship, it feels official. Not that he doubted him and Phil being friends, because that was obvious enough, that was never out of the question. But this feels like a confirmation that Phil enjoys Dan’s presence and company just as much as Dan enjoys Phil’s. His feeling of happiness follows him throughout his cold, tired walk home, to bed and right into the next morning.

___________________________________

On days where the shoot start time is in the evening, Dan spends his mornings working at Lights, Camera, Action with PJ. He’s already getting paid daily but there’s no reason for him not to earn some more money and spend time in the studio, one of his favourite places, with one of his favourite people, his best friend PJ. Today, they’re working on a photoshoot together for an up and coming magazine. Though they’re still getting paid, technically, it’s more of a favour than anything as PJ volunteered to do the photoshoot as a way to impress and get closer to Sophie, a girl he’s been pining over for what seems like months now.

Sophie’s extremely organized to the point where she can be a little authoritative, she knows exactly what she wants and she won’t stop at anything to get it done. So for the majority of the shoot she’s directing Dan and PJ and the models on what to do. PJ hovers over her, always asking questions and making sure that everything he’s doing is okay. Dan thinks she’s probably a little annoyed but he also notices the way she smiles, suppressing a laugh, whenever PJ turns to her to ask her something.

Around lunchtime, PJ eats with Sophie, the two of them off to the side, deep in discussing in a corner of the studio. Not wanting to disturb the potential flourishing romance, Dan choses to eat while working on a schedule for himself for future work he has to do for clients. It’s about as boring as it sounds but he knows that PJ appreciates the time alone with Sophie.

Not more than 2 hours later, they’ve completely wrapped up the photoshoot so Dan and PJ start to pack up their equipment with the models collect their things. Sophie thanks them profusely before writing up a check and giving PJ a smile in addition to a quick kiss on the cheek.

When she and the models are out on the street, PJ slowly turns to Dan, a happy glint in his eyes and a huge grin, maybe the biggest one Dan’s ever seen on PJ. He makes his way closer to where Dan is behind the front desk and says, “I am pleased to announce that we have officially arranged a date.”

“Oh my god, finally. If I had to hear you complain about not knowing how to ask her out anymore, I think my ears would’ve actually fallen off.” Dan places the tips of his fingers on his ear lobes for a bit of emphasis.

“Hey!” PJ protests, folding his arms and giving Dan an annoyed look.

“I’m kidding, seriously, I’m happy for you.” Really, he is. All he wants is the best for PJ and he deserves this. “Glad my sacrificed lunchtime with you paid off, I feel like I haven’t spoken to all day.”

“All day? You’re one to talk, I feel like I haven’t spoken to you properly in about a week and a half.”

“Sorry, sorry, I know. It’s just– production. It’s so busy and stressful and tiring. Like, don’t get me wrong it’s fun, it’s great but don’t think I’ve been this exhausted and this emotionally drained since uni.”

“It’s alright, I get it. You like spending time with that other film guy over me,” PJ teases.

“That other film guy.” Dan laughs, “He has a name you know, it’s Phil. And shut up, you know that’s not true.”

“Ooo defensive,” mocks PJ then notices Dan’s expression. “You know I’m just teasing you but has anything, uh, happened, in that department?”

“Shut up, no. You know it’s not like that at all and besides has a boyfriend. Like a long term, rest of your life, steady, boyfriend.”

“I didn’t necessarily mean with Phil.” PJ laughs. Just in general.”

“Oh, uh right.” Dan flushes red because, Oh God. “Ha, no, no. I’d let you know if there was.”

Too embarrassed to continue with the direction of this conversation, he asks PJ about hanging out sometime this weekend. And surely, it works, the topic is changed and PJ launches immediately into a explanation about an art exhibition going on at the MOMA that weekend that he’s wanting to see. Dan, on the other hand, feels less like he wants to tell PJ to shut up.

___________________________________

When November begins to transition into December, shooting becomes even more difficult as the abandoned hotel in which they spend most their days in, is void of any heating. The crew gets the lucky end of the stick since they’re behind the camera and can stay in their winter coats and scarves and hats but on the other side, the actors work their hardest while trying not to freeze to death.

Luckily plenty of coffee, tea and hot chocolate are provided during breaks. With the crew milling about, Dan takes a seat beside where his camera is mounted on a tripod. As Dan downs what has to be his third cup of coffee, Nick comes up to him, Carmen by his side. Since Nick is the lighting director and Dan’s the cinematographer, they’ve ended up spending quite a bit of time together in order to make sure that all the shots look good. So, Dan’s glad to see the two approaching.

“Get any sleep last night?” Nick asks.

“Just barely, maybe 4 hours.” He’d spent a majority of the night, helping him with the very beginnings of post-production, though he doesn’t bother to mention it.

“Jesus,” Carmen retracts her cup of coffee from her lips. “Though I’m not one to judge, I’ve been crunching numbers ‘til the sun rises for the past two weeks.”

“Ouch,” Nick winces and places a hand on Carmen’s shoulder. “Remind me to treat you to ice cream after all this is over.”

“Or…. you could do that right now,” Carmen tugs on Nick’s arm, prodding. Over the course of the production, Dan’s noticed they’ve had a sort of flirty thing going on but he’s never been brave enough to ask about it so he says nothing and observes quietly.

“Ice cream? Really? Now?” Dan looks out the window to the snow that’s started to sprinkle down from the sky, coating the everything it comes into contact with in what looks like a thin layer of white dust. The sky’s painted a dull grey, clouds unmoving, the surrounding trees and streets almost completely barren.

“Psh, it’s never too cold for ice cream,” Carmen argues indignantly.

Nick and Dan give her a skeptical look, which she chooses to ignore and decides to plead Nick to take her to a new, trendy, high end ice cream shop she’s been dying to go to instead.

He crumbles easily – Dan suspects because of some sort of crush. “Fine, fine, come on grab your wallet, let’s go.”

Elated, Carmen fishes through her backpack and retrieves her wallet, gripping it tightly in her hand. “You want to come Dan?”

“No thanks, it’s alright. I gotta wait for Phil, we’re going to get dinner together,” Dan explains.

“Ohh right of course, how could I have forgotten.” Carmen nods.

It’s become something of a routine for him and Phil to go grab lunch or dinner together and for them to go home together. Something that the other crew members have certainly taken note of.

“You guys are welcome to come if you’d like,” Dan suggests out of politeness. Not that he’d mind having them there but he has a feeling that they won’t be saying yes.

“Aw, no, thanks though, we’ll leave you two be.”

Nick gives a sly grin and looks from Carmen to Dan. He’s most definitely taken it as a joke and is trying to imply something which frankly, Dan doesn’t even want to begin to theorize or understand.

Carmen loops her arm around Nick’s and with a quick goodbye, the two head off to fulfill Carmen’s need for ice cream.

A few minutes later, Phil appears by Dan’s side, looking tired and slightly annoyed.

“Everything alright?” Dan asks once he notices Phil’s expression.

“Yeah everything’s fine… Just sometimes the set designers don’t do what you want them to and well it’s not that complicated and we should be able to fix it quickly.” He gives a weak laugh, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m just tired really. And cold.”

“Aw, let’s go get some dinner then. I’m feeling like something greasy and fried…”

“Oh my god yes.” Phil agrees excitedly. “I think you’ve just read my mind.”

“Just another one of my secret talents,” Dan winks.

“Mmm… sure,” Phil rolls his eyes but his demeanor of not believing Dan is cracked by the gentle smile that spreads across his lips.

When they step outside the hotel, the cold hits immediately. Its almost paralyzing, surrounding and encompassing them in a frigid stiffness that makes it hard and uncomfortable to walk. Dan’s thankful he brought his hat with him this morning as snowflakes tumble down upon them,, beginning to coat them in a light sprinkling of white.

Phil shivers, takes out his gloves from his pockets and slides them on his hands. “So where’s the closest diner?”

“A diner, good thinking,” Dan draws his phone out of his pocket and makes a quick search on Google maps. “5 minute walk,” he responds once the results have loaded.

“Ugh, can’t we just hail a cab?” complains Phil, wrapping his arms around himself and giving Dan his most convincing, pleading pout.

“Don’t be such a baby, come on, we’re not being those type of people.” Dan insists, taking Phil by the arm and starting to walk in the direction of the diner.

“People who appreciate the modern invention of heating and use it to their advantage? I think I’d like to be that type of people thank you very much.” Phil defends, sticking his tongue out at Dan. “Ouhhh!” he exclaims shortly thereafter then, closes his mouth. “I caught a snowflake on my tongue!

“See… Walking does have its advantages.”

“You and me have very different definitions of an advantage.” Phil’s teeth chatter in the cold which causes Dan to lose it and burst out in laughter.

“This w-wouldn’t be a p-problem if w-we’d gotten a taxi.”

“You and me have very different definitions of a problem then because this is hilarious,” Dan continues to laugh.

Phil shoves Dan – and rightfully so – which causes him to almost crash into another person on the sidewalk, walking in the opposite direction.

“Shit, sorry!” Dan cries, moving out of the way to narrowly avoid what would’ve been a terribly awkward chest-to-chest collision. He glares at Phil, “I hate you.”

But Phil’s just laughing at him, which causes Dan to laugh too. With their laughter floating above them and keeping them warm as they follow the directions from Google maps, before they know it, they’re at the diner. They settle into a cozy booth, order hot chocolates, burgers and far too many fries. By the end of the meal, they’re stuffed full and it's almost completely dark outside but they can’t deny the fact that they feel nothing but warmth in each others’ presence in the small, stuck-in-the-50s diner.

___________________________________

Slowly but surely, days turn into weeks and before they know it, they’re nearly finished the film’s production. Each day for Dan consists of a slow commute shooting, re shooting, hanging out with the rest of the crew and a subway ride home with Phil. It's not a routine that Dan minds though, it gives him a sense of purpose as he’s vital to the creation of the film and it wouldn’t get completed otherwise.

Tonight some of the crew's gathered together for what will be one of the last meals they share together during this production. 

“So what’re everyone’s holiday plans?” asks Carmen on the last Thursday of production. Dan, Phil, Carmen, Nick and a handful of other crew members decided to go out for dinner that evening.

People around the table blabber on about what they’re looking forward to most and how excited they are to get a break. Both Dan and Phil are travelling back to England to visit family, though on different sides of the country. Carmen is visiting her family in upstate New York, Nick’s spending it with friends in Pennsylvania, Anaya’s spending it with her girlfriend.

As everyone continues to go around the table sharing their plans, Dan can’t help but realise that, soon enough, they won’t have this again. They won’t all be working together anymore. He can’t quite believe it, it feels like only yesterday that he was nervous about his first day on set and to meet the rest of the crew. Which, in retrospect was completely stupid because they’ve turned out to be some of the coolest people he knows, people he loves to be around and work with. He feels as if he’s really bonded with a lot of the crew and started to develop good friendships with them.

Working on such a creative project such as this really brings out the best in everyone, they’re able to showcase and contribute their talents to create something amazing. He still has a week left, which no doubt he’s going to savour, but Dan’s really going to miss the production and the crew when it’s all over.

He looks over at Phil, whom he thinks is realising the same things and feeling the same way from his detached gaze focused on the salt and pepper shakers in the centre of the restaurant table. Phil doesn’t look back at him though, he’s much more interested in the small black and white granules before him. A sharp pang hits Dan’s gut, out of melancholy sadness because of the film’s closure or out of annoyance that Phil won’t look back at him, he can’t quite tell. He shakes it off and begins to listen in to the conversation at hand as Anaya begins to share a funny anecdote from her childhood.

Phil’s phone seems to be buzzing with text messages the whole night. Eventually, he gets a phone call while they’re all chowing down on their food. He excuses himself then ducks outside to answer the call.

About ten minutes later, Phil still hasn’t returned and Dan begins to grow concerned so he excuses himself to the bathroom but heads outside to check on Phil.

Phil’s sat on a small bench right outside the restaurant, cellphone in his hand, a blank, solemn stare across his face. He looks as if he’s somewhere else entirely. 

“Phil?” Dan takes a seat beside him on the bench.

“Oh, hey,” Phil seems surprised, as if he didn’t even register Dan’s presence until he started speaking.

“Everything alright?”

Phil lets out a sigh, then shrugs, laughs weakly, leans over and rests his head in his hands. “It’s just relationship stuff, Benji. I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

When Phil puts it that way, Dan can’t help but feel curious and want to know more. He feels bad for prying. “What’s complicated?”

“Last weekend.” Phil lifts his head up, looks at the street ahead. Christmas lights are hung up and down the street, twinkling brightly. “He proposed.”

“Oh,” is all Dan says and the sharp pain is back again for reasons of which Dan is worried he’s starting to understand why.

“Yeah.”

“Well… what did you say?” A breeze passes between them, Dan shivers and Phil edges closer. For warmth or comfort, Dan can’t tell.

“Yes,” says Phil before producing a plain silver ring out of his front jeans pocket. “I mean, of course yes.”

“I want to say congratulations but you don’t sound all too happy,” Dan admits.

“I want to be happy but I’m so confused Dan. I mean, I am happy, I love Benji but all of this,” Phil fiddles with the ring in his fingers, “was so unexpected. And sure, we’ve talked about marriage but now? I mean, my career’s just taking off, I’m making my first feature length film. I don’t have time to focus on marriage now.”

“Well–,” Dan starts just as Phil continues.

“It’s like he wants to settle down or something. Meanwhile I’m not thinking any more than I don’t know, six months into the future? We’re on completely different pages.”

For once, Dan can’t find the proper words to say.

“Sorry,” Phil laughs as if he’s pitying himself. “I’m just wasting your time. This is pathetic. We’ve been together for three years and this is just the next logical step. It happens with practically every couple.”

“No, Phil. C’mon. If this isn’t what you want, then you go talk to him about it. Tell Benji how you feel, I’m sure he’d understand. And if he doesn’t understand well– then there’s a problem.”

“Yeah... Thanks Dan.” Phil’s voice is soft in the winter air, swirls of hot breath form from his mouth as his speaks. “Usually he’s the one I talk to about everything but this is the one thing– I don’t know.”

“It’s okay,” Dan gently rests a hand on Phil’s upper back as an attempt to comfort him. “Really, talk to him, I’m sure things will work themselves out.”

Phil’s smile is weak but sincere, appreciative. He pats Dan’s knee quickly. “Thanks Dan. I–. Sometimes, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Dan experiences the sharpest pain to his gut yet. It’s not painful but wholly intense and consuming, a tingling flurry spreading throughout him to the very tips of his toes. Instead, he only responds with an "aw Phil, thanks."

“I think I’ll head home then, try and figure things out. I really don’t think I could sit through the rest of the meal like this. Tell the others I said bye. I’ll pay you back for my meal tomorrow alright?” Phil gets to his feet.

“Yeah of course, don’t worry about it.” Dan follows.

“Goodnight.”

“Night,” Dan replies, and Phil is headed off down the street.

When Dan returns to his spot at the restaurant table, the others are all concerned, bombarding him with questions. He doesn’t give answers but tells them there was some emergency with Benji and so Phil decided to head home. They give Dan skeptical looks, especially Carmen, but decide not to ask further and they continue making casual conversation till the end of the night.

After they’re all done eating, Dan goes over to Carmen’s apartment with Nick and they decide to pop in some overly cheesy romance films to have a good laugh at. Also, only recently did Dan discover that they’re Nick’s guilty pleasure.

“What can I say? I’m a romantic guy.” He defends, popping in a DVD of Love Actually.

Carmen rolls her eyes and gives Dan a look as if to say, in his dreams. Fortunately, Nick doesn’t notice and him and Carmen spend the rest of the night cuddled up on the sofa.

Dan can’t help but feel like the third wheel out of everything. Nick and Carmen. Phil and Benji. The entire cast of Love Actually.

As Dan’s watching a scene transpire between the two characters on screen, he can’t help but think of kissing. And of Phil. Not that they’re at all related. At the very least, he tries to convince himself that they’re not.

___________________________________

The last day of production is not only a sad one but it’s a happy one. It’s filled with some tears and hugs and a sense of this is it but it’s also filled with smiles and accomplishment and a sense of genuine appreciation towards everyone.

Dan exchanges phone numbers and goodbyes with everyone and makes plans to see Carmen after he returns from England. While Phil announces a wrap party that’ll be held this Sunday at his and his boyfriend – though potentially now fiancé – Benji’s apartment. Dan still has yet to meet him. Though after what happened last night, Dan’s not quite sure they’re on the best of terms.

As the last scene wraps, Phil grabs a megaphone to make an announcement. At first, it squeaks obnoxiously but everyone just laughs. “I’d just like to say thank you to all of you for your amazing work and all your effort on this production. This wouldn’t at all be possible without all of you and I can’t thank all of you enough for helping to realise my dream.”

The cast and crew breaks out into applause and they all swarm Phil to give him a hug or congratulate him or say thank you. It takes a while to get through but eventually, Phil gets around to Dan.

“My least favourite person,” Phil walks up from behind Dan. “I was trying to avoid you, y’know.”

Dan turns around, rolling his eyes at Phil. “Sounds fake.”

Phil’s gaze lands on him, “seriously though, thank you so much for everything.”

“Of course,” Dan’s voice is quiet and there’s chatter all around them but Phil can still make out the words perfectly clearly.

Quick and short, Phil envelops him in a hug. A tingling feeling spreads through Dan’s stomach but once they pull apart, he lowers his voice and asks, “Did everything go over well with Benji yesterday?”

“Oh, yeah, great, fine, thanks.” Phil reassures, not extremely convincingly though Dan doesn’t decide to push it.

Their ride home together on the subway that evening is during rush hour so everyone in the subway car is packed together like a can of sardines. Dan’s pressed right up against Phil, as well as everyone in a 50 cm radius. It feels far too crowded and uncomfortable to make any sort of conversation so Dan allows his mind to wander and more than not he finds himself plainly staring at Phil for a means of something to do. Not that it means anything, it’s just that Phil has a nice face. And Dan’s bored. That’s all.

Maybe it’s because Phil’s talked about Benji more than usual, or maybe it’s not, but as Phil runs a hand through hair, Dan begins to wonder what it would be like to run his own hands through Phil’s hair. When Phil bites down on his lip, he imagines what it would be like for Phil to press his lips against his cheek. And what it would be like to hold Phil’s hand, which rests next to Dan’s. They're both firmly gripping a pole to keep themselves from falling over.

Fear starts to trickle into Dan’s mind because he can’t– he can’t feel this way about his friend. He can’t catch feelings for one of his closest friends. Phil’s engaged, going to get married and here he is, with a dumb crush, fantasizing about how a relationship with him might play out. He feels like slapping himself, or at least shaking some sense into himself. But as they part ways after getting off the subway and Phil gives him a smile, Dan knows he’s already far too gone for any type of slap to help.

___________________________________

Dan’s not sure what to expect when he knocks on the door of Phil’s apartment that following Sunday. He can hear the faint melody of Christmas music playing through the wall and listens, waiting for someone to open the door.

Soon enough, the door swings open and a tall guy with dark, corkscrew locks, tawny brown skin and a santa hat on his head, opens the door. Dan’s never seen him before but clearly, he recognizes Dan as he beckons him to come inside.

“Last one to show up.” He says and Dan internally slaps himself for never managing to be on time for anything. “Dan, yeah?” he asks and Dan nods, “So nice to finally meet you. Phil’s told me a lot about you.”

Dan assumes it's Benji he’s talking to but, as he’s never met or seen the guy it’s hard to be so sure. Just as Dan’s about to ask, he continues talking.

“Oh and I’m Benji by the way, probably should’ve mentioned that.”

Just as Dan’s about to tell him not to worry, a voice calls his name.

“Daaaaaan!” He looks over to see Phil, a matching santa hat falling into his eyes, stagger towards them with a giddy grin and what can’t be his first bottle of beer in hand. He throws his arms around Dan who can’t help but turn warm and a little red from the close contact.

Dan looks to Benji to gauge his reaction but he’s just laughing at Phil. “Sorry he gets kinda handsy when he’s drunk. I’d know.”

“TMI mate. But–uh, it’s alright.” Phil still hasn’t let go.

“You smell nice.” says Phil.

“Phil, c’mon,” Benji, apparently, finds this all hilarious and pulls him off of Dan. “You saw him yesterday.” Then, to Dan, he says sorry again but he simply shrugs it off.

“Oh and uh, I have this for you guys,” Dan holds out a bottle of wine and hands it to Phil. 

“Aw Dan, you shouldn’t’ve,” Phil says at the same time that Benji takes the bottle of wine from Phil’s hands.

“It’s nothing, really,” Dan insists and he and Phil hold a shared smile for what has to be longer than normal.

“Let’s get you a drink!” Phil breaks his gaze, taking Dan by the arm and pulling him towards the living room where, presumably, the rest of the crew are.

The living room isn’t overly large but it’s spacious, with windows completely lining one of the walls, a couple of couches and christmas lights hung from the curtain rods. With the electric fire burning in one corner of the room and the surrounding warmth of everyone else, the room feels undeniably cozy.

Dan spots Nick with his arm around Carmen on the sofa, Anaya, Valerie and a couple other girls appear to be deeply engrossed in conversation. Meanwhile, Frank and Kyle are looking through and debating about, what seems to be, a collection of Christmas music CDs.

“Dan! Hey!” Nick calls and the group all looks his way.

Dan gives a casual Hey before Phil drifts off to get Dan a drink and Frank gestures him over to the TV stand where he and Kyle are standing.

“So we need your help Dan,” Kyle says matter-of-factly.

“How can I help?” Dan asks, curious.

“We’re deciding between Classic Holiday Hits,” Kyle holds out the first CD, its cover red and shiny.

“Or, Pop Christmas.” Frank buts in, placing the CD in Dan’s hands, its cover is sparkling gold and covered in snowflakes. “Which one do you reckon?”

“Well,” a voice behind them chimes in, “if you really wanted to make Phil happy, choose Pop Christmas. It has Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You on it.” Benji explains.

“Not all of us are trying to please your boyfriend though,” quips Kyle, holding the Classic Holiday Hits CD defensively.

“It’s up to you Dan, what’s it gonna be?” asks Frank.

Dan barely thinks for a moment before choosing Pop Christmas. His decision has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to make Phil happy. Definitely. He’d completely forgotten that Benji had even mentioned that fact. Totally.

“Someone’s going to happy,” remarks Benji, though that wasn’t apart of Dan’s thought process at all. He almost wants to tell Benji and make sure that he knows that.

Kyle groans and protests, “You’re disrespecting the classics!”

Frank simply smirks and pops the CD into the player and waits until the first song starts. Sure enough, Mariah Carey’s voice comes belting out of the speakers.

Phil turns his head around from where he’s preparing a drink for Dan and takes one glance over to the four of them standing next to the CD player before heading over. He hands Dan his drink which is some sort of festive eggnog and rum concoction that everyone else seems to be enjoying.

“Now this, is more like it,” Phil inclines his head towards the CD player. “Good choice.”

As the song continues, Dan shifts over to sit on one of the sofa’s to say hi to Nick, Carmen and a few other people Dan’s not as familiar with. An easy, casual conversation starts between them and Dan begins to feel more at ease. That is until he glances over to Phil, who has Benji’s hands around his waist and a ring around the fourth finger of his left hand. He hadn’t even noticed it before, he hasn’t seen Phil properly wear it yet. He wonders if the others have noticed, and if they’ve said anything or if he missed the big announcement by being late.

Phil is mouthing along to the last repeats of the All I Want For Christmas Is You line, while looking to Benji whose facial expression Dan can’t see and for that, he’s glad. An irrational, jealous knot twists in his stomach and he feels so guilty but it all so consuming and oh so uncontrollable. He feels so guilty wishing it was him with his arms around Phil’s waist, having the words being mouthed to him.

And for a split second, his wish almost comes true, though Dan thinks it must be some kind of weird fluke or coincidence. His and Phil’s eyes meet from across the room. Phil seems a little out of it but everything else seems to blur as Dan looks to Phil. And he knows, or at least he thinks, Phil’s looking at him as he mouths the last couple repeated lyrics. All I Want For Christmas Is You.

The knot twists again but not out of jealousy or frustration or anger but of sadness and want and the knowledge that he’ll never have that with Phil. It's pathetic, really and Dan almost pities himself but instead focuses back to Carmen and Nick and the others and is now completely lost in their conversation.

The rest of the night passes on smoothly with no more weird eye contact between him and Phil or him and anyone. Dan drinks quite a fair bit more till his limbs turn loose, his speech becomes slurred and he seems to lose his ability to hold back. He laughs a bit too hard at Phil’s jokes and sits a bit too close to people but no one seems to mind, or at least, they say nothing about it.

Its around 11 o’clock when he and Phil are stood side by side, talking easily and sipping on Phil’s eggnog-rum concoctions. Dan feels warm, a little hazy and slightly out of it but with Phil next to him, he feels completely at ease.

“Oh just try it on,” Phil laughs, holding the santa hat he’d been previously wearing out to Dan.

“I’m not putting that on,” Dan gives Phil’s shoulder a shove.

“Fine. If you’re not putting it on, I will.” Phil sets his drink down on a small table, takes the santa hat in one hand, steadies Dan’s shoulder with the other and firmly places it on his head. He then adjusts it so that the tiniest bit of Dan’s fringe is sticking out from underneath. “There we go, perfect.”

“You pleased?” Dan asks, low and soft, his eyes staring with Phil’s staring straight back.

“Sooooo pleased,” Phil draws out his words and brings a hand to Dan’s chin, tilting his head up. “You look cute.” 

It takes all of Dan’s willpower not to turn bright red though he’s sure there’s still a rosy flush starting to paint his cheeks.

Dan can feel the cool contact of Phil’s ring against his skin and his stomach drops. He pushes Phil’s hand away immediately, not bother to even look at or register Phil’s reaction.

Benji comes over no more than 10 seconds later and Dan’s fairly sure he’s stomach is sinking into his legs by now. “Hey,” he nudges Phil with his elbow. Light, easy, practiced. He leans into Phil a bit to whisper something but with the close proximity and Benji’s intoxicated, lack of self awareness, he can make out all the words perfectly clearly. “Did you ask Dan about…?”

“Right! Oh!” Phil exclaims, looking to Benji with wide, amused eyes then back to Dan. “So, Dan, we were wondering if you’d possibly like to– or not if you’d like to but if you would… be our engagement and wedding photographer?” The last few words rush out of him.

It’s certainly not was Dan was expecting but, he isn’t surprised, he’s been asked by friends before to be their wedding photographer. It is his line of work after all but this is different. This is Phil, the wedding of the Phil who he’s been harbouring a crush on for the past little while, barely without himself noticing.

“Phil was showing me your photos on your website and man, you’re just so talented, we’d love it if…” Benji trails off, making eye contact with Phil for reassurance.

“We’d love it if you would.” Phil says earnestly, expression honestly sincere, maybe the most Dan’s ever seen.

Dan’s mind and heart and thoughts are racing at over a million miles per minute, he needs– no, he wants to think about it but he can’t exactly say no can he? Phil’s one of his closest friends, that’d just be plain rude. Even with his stupid, pathetic, childish attraction, he has to be professional. This is his job after all.

So Dan puts on his best attempt at a sincere smile, even with his mild discontent and agrees, “Sure. I’d be happy to.”

Phil gives him a hug in return and the two thank him profusely. Dan shrugs it off and says it's no problem. Because really, it isn’t he has no problem doing it and he knows, he can already picture the perfect engagement and wedding photos for them.

He feels guilty though, for his slight twinges of– well he doesn't quite know what it is. Jealousy? For an engaged man? That feels awfully wrong and it is wrong so Dan figures he’d better head out in order to clear his head.

By the end of the night, he’s realised that Benji’s a nice guy. A really nice guy. He’s perfect for Phil, they’re both so nice, so well suited for each other. They both wave goodbye to Dan as he’s leaving and Dan realises that maybe it’s not even Phil who he’s jealous of, maybe he’s just jealous at the idea of having someone.

___________________________________

It’s about 11:45 pm on New Year’s Eve when Dan’s phone rings, a goofy photo of Phil popping up on his screen. He's at a party of an old school friend’s who he hasn't seen in about four years. It's not as awkward as he expected it to be but it certainly isn't the most fun he's ever had. He supposes it’s nice to catch up with old friends. Though it’s not as if he particularly cares because they’ve drifted apart and aren’t apart of each other’s lives anymore. It just all feels a bit fake and as if it’s something none of them want to do, but are expected to.

The atmosphere is overly loud, and buzzing with energy. Dan really can’t hear himself think. He quietly steps into an unoccupied bathroom and sits on the toilet. With the lid down, of course.

Dan finds it awfully strange for Phil to be calling, especially when he's probably celebrating New Year’s with his friends, or his family or just Benji. But he figures it might be an emergency so he picks up the phone regardless of the time. “Hey Phil, everything alright?”

“Is everything alright? Everything is more than alright, it's almost 2016!” He sounds a bit too excited so Dan assumes he’s a bit drunk. To be fair, so is Dan.

Dan can hear people shouting in the background. “That's generally kind of how this thing works Phil.”

Phil laughs, it's not as if anything particularly funny has been said so now Dan’s quite adamant that he’s drunk. A comfortable silence hangs for a second between them until Dan breaks it.

“So…. any reason you called? Not that I mind or anything it’s completely fine if you want to talk or whatever, or something. I don’t care.” Dan rushes, a twisting, almost nervous, almost expectant feeling in his stomach beginning to rise.

Dan can hear Phil sigh deeply before starting to speak.

“I mean, not really. I guess. I was just thinking back to the past year and I realised how big a part of it you were.” Phil’s words make Dan’s heart clenches like a fist. “And I just wanna say thanks I guess. For agreeing to fill in that day so many months ago. You’ve been such a big help and none of this would’ve been possible without you and your help. And I’m so glad we’ve become so close in this past year and in such a short amount of time. It’s crazy but I’m so grateful for it.”

Phil’s definitely drunk, Dan doesn’t think he’s ever seen, well, heard Phil be this open with his emotions towards him before. Not that he minds, because frankly, he doesn’t. The twisting feeling continues to rise, moving up to Dan’s chest and he feels constricted but it’s not a particularly bad thing he’s just– overwhelmed.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can’t imagine my life without you now, Dan. And, I can’t wait to spend time with you next year too. That’s if, you still want me to.” Phil says so softly, like silk in his ears. Dan’s just barely heard it but he’s glad he has. Even if makes his throat dry and teeth clench and makes it feel as if he can’t quite breath properly.

“Of course,” Dan just manages to choke out a reply.

“Good,” Phil says and Dan can just imagine the ghost of a smile spreading across Phil’s lips.

His heart clenches again, once, twice. “Good,” he responds.

Just outside the door, Dan can hear calls of “5 MORE MINUTES!” to which, he doesn’t particularly care. He won’t of course but, he’d much rather stay in the bathroom talking to Phil all night. It’s not as if he has someone to hunt down and kiss.

But Phil does. He has Benji. He’ll always have Benji. And even if Phil can’t imagine his life without Dan, a life without Benji is out of the question, it doesn’t exist.

The clenching feeling continues but this time its different, it’s not so nervous but more of an empty feeling, sharp and painful.

“Right so…” Dan begins.

“Hm?”

“I should leave you to it then shouldn’t I?” He fiddles with the toilet roll, tearing off a piece and balling it up in his hand.

Phil stays silent. It’s a stark contrast to the yelling going on in the rest of the house. Now Dan can hear people’s drunk remarks and cries of excitement.

“There’s about, uh, 4 minutes left til 2016? You should be hunting down your man.” Dan gives a nervous laugh, now rolling up the piece of toilet paper so it starts to tear to shreds.

Speak of the devil, Dan just begins to make out another voice speaking on the other end of the line. Just a quick, "hey, where’ve you been?"

“So um, I’ll talk to you soon, yeah? Or see you soon I guess,” Dan figures they’ll be reunited in person before Phil randomly decides to call him again.

“Yeah. Soon. Bye Dan, thanks.”

“Soon. Of course. Bye.” Dan hangs up quickly. He takes a deep breath. It still feels a bit harder to breath than normal. His palms are clammy and knuckles white. He splashes some water on his face from the sink before heading outside of the washroom. He hopes he didn’t keep anyone waiting.

“2 MINUTES TIL MIDNIGHT!” A girl with purple hair shouts at the top of her lungs, leaning against her friend so she doesn’t fall over from being too drunk.

When the clock strikes midnight, Dan decides, fuck it, and snogs the first guy with dark hair and a pretty smile that’s willing.

Happy 2016. There’s shouting all around him, the words ring in his head until he’s drifting off in an unfamiliar bed later that night.

___________________________________

The first couple of months after the holidays continue fairly calmly and smoothly. Dan continues work at Lights, Camera, Action, spends time with Phil, at either of their apartments or around the city, as well as helps him edit the film. All the while, their friendship (and subsequently, Dan’s feelings) continue to grow stronger.

He pushes them down though, deep and far into the back of his mind that sometimes he forgets and then Phil will mention something about Benji and suddenly Dan will remember and his head will fill with guilt.

Phil mentions that his and Benji’s wedding is now set for early June and Dan feels dizzy and remembers Phil’s words of _I can’t imagine my life without you._

“Sounds great,” Dan forces plastic happiness as Phil starts to ramble on about invitations and venues and the like.

He tries to pay attention and to listen and be engaged in what Phil’s saying but he can’t bring himself to. Jealousy is green and its vines growing within Dan. What he really needs to do is to bring himself to stop because he knows being jealous won’t get him anywhere. Things will only get worse.

By now it feels useless even feeling. Dan’s grateful for the film though, it's a nice distraction.

___________________________________

The night of the film’s premiere is a surprisingly warm day in late March and Dan spends at least two hours getting ready. Eventually he decides on a dress shirt of intricate black and white designs, a black suit and black shoes. He gives one last look in the mirror and makes one more final adjustment to his hair before he grabs his keys to leave. He would be lying if he said he didn’t think he looked good.

Since Phil had a handful of press interviews to do, Dan heads to the premiere with Carmen and Nick, who have now made their relationship completely official. The two meet Dan outside of his apartment and take a 20 minute taxi trip down to the theatre where the premiere’s being held.

From the outside, the theatre looks a little shabby and rundown but they are an independent film so, it’s to be expected really. All the same, a red carpet is set up with various photographers and freelance reporters stationed behind a barricade. The red carpet leads into the front doors of the theatre and lights are shining down on the cast walking across it. Ironically, all of it looks like something directly from a movie.

A breeze hits the three of them as they get out of the taxi, stepping onto the sidewalk right beside the beginning of the red carpet.

“Are we allowed to take a walk down this?” Nick nods towards the carpet.

“Probably not but… who’s here to stop us.” Carmen gives a devious smile and Dan can’t help but shrug in agreement.

So, they strut their way down the red carpet, stopping to pose and laugh at the confused photographers and interviewers. They take a few photos together on Carmen’s phone before giving a quick hi to a couple of the actors who aren’t caught up in an interview and heading inside.

The juxtaposition of the outside of the theatre to the inside is a perfect example of why not to judge things by their appearance. Down from the ceiling hangs an exuberant crystal chandelier that reflects light on all the walls and on the marble floor of the theatre lobby. Lush red velvet covers couches and the runner up the stairs.

“Well now I just feel underdressed,” says Dan, taking in the overwhelming amount of wealth contained in just one lobby. Carmen and Nick stay silent but Dan can tell the feeling is mutual as they look around in awe.

Not far from them stands Phil, talking to someone Dan’s never seen but with their stance and the way they're dressed, they look very official and important so he decides it probably isn’t the best time to go up and start a conversation. Though, he must admit, from this distance, Phil looks undeniably handsome with his hair pushed back, a crisp white dress shirt, a perfectly black suit and matching black bow tie.

Dan checks his phone for the time and realises there’s only about fifteen minutes until the movie’s screening actually begins. He figures he’ll see Phil later at the premiere after party so he, Carmen and Nick head inside the theatre to make sure they grab good seats. They pass time by filling each other in on what they’ve been doing within the months of not seeing each other. Carmen and Nick mostly talk about how happy they are to finally be together, while Dan admits he’s spent large part of his time helping Phil edit the film, to which the couple is slightly surprised. Dan’s not sure what to make of their reaction but, before they know it, Phil and the cast come on stage to give a small talk about the film.

Phil starts off as usual, thanking the cast and the crew and all the people who made the film possible. He thanks his parents and brother (who are apparently in the audience) for always believing in him and always encouraging to pursue his dreams. Of course, he thanks Benji for being there when things get tough and for being so supportive.

“Thanks for being the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.” Dan finds it slightly odd that Phil doesn’t call Benji his fiancé. Especially since, by now, everyone knows.

“And finally, I’d like to thank Dan,” Phil’s words take a few seconds to register but once they do Dan’s heart and body seem to seize simultaneously.

“Most of you won’t know this but Dan wasn’t our original cinematographer. It was my good friend Drew, who unfortunately, broke his leg a week before production. Thankfully, Dan was willing to help and offered to be our last minute cinematographer. Without him, I’m not sure this film would’ve been made. Without him, I wouldn’t have had anyone to push me to edit. But most importantly, I wouldn’t have made a new best friend. So, thank you.” Phil searches for Dan in the crowd and they make brief eye contact before Phil looks down to the floor and continues talking.

He gives a last final thank you, expresses that he hopes everyone enjoys the film and then, the lights dim and the film starts.

The film follows a group of friends who’ve won a trip to New York. While there, they discover an abandoned house neighbouring their hotel. Feeling brave, the group decides to venture inside the abandoned house, with one of friends deciding to document their trip using a camcorder. When the group watches back the tapes from the camcorder, they discover something extraordinarily strange. In all of the footage, there appears to be spirits lurking in the background, following their every move. Unbeknown to the group, recording and watching footage of the spirits has captured and released them in their hotel room. They try to uncover the reasons behind these mysterious happenings before things turn sour but this results in immediate and scary consequences. Death and anguish ensue and the ending leaves the audience in deep thought and full of fear.

As soon as the lights flick back on again, the sound of conversation fills the room, everyone’s talking about the film to others around them.

Carmen, who had grabbed Dan’s arm in fear twice during the film, speaks first. “Wow. Oh my god.”

It’s probably the least articulate thing she could say but Dan gets the sentiment. He’s equal overwhelmed and blown away by the film. Seeing Phil’s direction play out and seeing his cinematography on the big screen, it’s a bit of a big, emotional moment for him.

“Where’s Phil? That was insane.” Nick says, getting up from his seat. Shortly, the two others follow.

“Might as well go find him.” Suggests Dan, and that’s exactly what they do, they head outside of the theatre and into the lounge and bar area where the after party is being held. Its buzzing as they enter, filled with people mulling around, looking incredibly important and dressed to the nines. Dan feels out of place and slightly underdressed but having Carmen and Nick by his side gives him an extra boost of confidence.

Phil stands in the lounge area, once again chatting up someone Dan’s never seen before. Their conversation appears to be dying down so the three of them see this as the perfect opportunity to slip beside Phil.

Nick claps Phil on the back, startling him and causing him to let out a small yelp of surprise.

“Oh my god. Nick!” He turns around to give him a hug. “I can’t believe it's only been a few months, it feels like it's been a few years. Carmen!” Carmen gets a hug too, and finally Phil turns to Dan, who’s only given a nudge on the arm. “Hey you.”

There's a slight pause before Phil asks, “so, what did you guys think?”

The group bursts with words of praise and compliment and awe. So much so that Phil starts to turn red. “Guys, please, thank you so much. It means– It means a lot. I couldn't have done this without you three. ”

“Aw Phil, you're going to make me cry,” Carmen gestures out a hand for him to stop

“For the second time tonight, she cried at your little speech,” explains Nick.

“Nick! Shut up.”

He shrugs, “Hey I'm just being honest.”

“You're an insufferable boyfriend.” Carmen grabs Nick by the arm. “We should get some drinks though, we’ll be right back. Dan you want anything?”

“I’m good for now thanks,” Dan replies and the two head off towards the bar.

Phil turns so that he's directly facing Dan, he lets out a giddy laugh. “God I can't believe this. Pinch me.”

And so Dan does and Phil lets out another yelp.

“Ow! Dan! I didn’t really mean it!”

Dan can’t help but let out a little laugh as he says sorry.

Shortly, Carmen and Nick return with drinks and a conversation really starts take off between them. They stay in their little group for the most of the night, drinking (Phil a little too much), and saying hi to other cast and crew members that mingle their way through to them.

Around midnight, Carmen and Nick decide to head out but Dan decides to stay with Phil as he’s completely floored and Benji, or anyone else that Dan trusts, seems to be out of sight.

“Heyyy,” slurs Phil, latching a hand onto Dan’s arm, a bottle of beer in the other. “There’s somewhere I wanna show you.”

Dan, confused, agrees and follows behind Phil who exits from the bar and starts making his way up a grand case of stairs. They make their way to a secluded hallway, to a door with a sign that reads rooftop access.

“You sure this is allowed?” Dan asks as Phil pushes the door open and starts his way up another flight of stairs up to the roof. Dan follows.

The view at the top isn’t anything breathtaking as it isn’t from very high up but it’s still a nice view of some of the city. The twinkling lights from buildings, and streetlights, and the moon shining from above make it seem brighter than it really is this late at night. The night air sends chilling pricks up Dan’s spine, he crosses his arms as an attempt for extra warmth. Phil seems to take notice and scoots close so they’re standing shoulder to shoulder.

“I was up here months ago when I was booking the venue. This– this was where Benji proposed, he just sprung it on me. I was gonna take Benji up here but–.” Phil tightens his grip around his bottle of beer.

“But what?”

“I dunno, we haven’t had a proper conversation in two days and we haven’t gone a day without arguing in two weeks so maybe that’s something.” Phil’s words stun Dan into silence. “Sorry, shit, I shouldn’t be telling you all that.” He moves away, resting his arms against the ledge of the roof, focusing on the view as much as possible.

“You can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you?” Dan walks over to Phil, leaning against the ledge.

“It’s just scary to actually tell someone about what’s happening. I guess it makes it feel more real. Y’know?” Dan nods, allowing Phil to continue talking. “Like he’s telling me all his plans and ideas he has for our wedding and I… I just don’t want to get married, not now. And he keeps asking me if I’d rather move back to England or stay here to raise our children–. Children, Dan. I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow, let alone for the next 5, 10, 20 years. Has he gone insane?”

“Maybe his paternal clock’s ticking,” Dan jokes.

“Probably,” shrugs Phil, taking a sip more of his beer. “And it’s come out of nowhere and he's so insistent and pressuring about all of it. Fuck, I don’t know what to do. It’s taking such a toll on us.” Phil’s breathing starts to quicken and his eyes start to tear.

“Hey, hey,” Dan takes notice of Phil’s expression, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but sulking like this isn’t going to help you. You need to talk to Benji, you need to tell him how you feel and come up with a compromise. He can’t get everything he wants, that’s not fair to you Phil. Go talk to him.”

“What? Now?”

To be fair, Dan’s a little drunk so his advice is probably questionable but that doesn't stop him from giving it and Phil from listening. “Yeah now, he's here, you're here. Might as well.”

Phil, due to his well intoxicated state, finds this to be a great idea. “You're right,” he assures. He’s standing now so that he’s directly in front of Dan, close enough so that their knees are touching.

“You're always right aren't you?” asks Phil rhetorically, in a tone Dan’s never heard him use towards him. It's low, warm and maybe almost husky. He wraps his arms around Dan’s waist, settling his head on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan’s heart’s racing and his head’s screaming and he probably would’ve allowed Phil to stay there for as long as he wanted if he hadn’t just been sulking over Benji. But he isn't that drunk so instead, he stops him, pushes him away and says, “Benji. C’mon. Let’s go find him.”

Phil looks unfazed, probably completely unaware that he was doing something slightly out of the ordinary. “Right yes. To Benji!” He calls, and they head back down the stairs up from the roof and the stairs into the main lobby.

When they reach the lounge, Benji, is nowhere to be seen. They try to ask some of the remaining guests but none of them know who he is or where he’s gone, if they had seen him earlier.

“I’ll send him a text,” Phil says, distant, almost forlorn.

Within a couple seconds, a response dings from Phil’s phone.

“He’s gone home already. Says he felt out of place.”

“Oh.” Dan finds that to be an awfully strange excuse.

“Yeah.” Phil sits down at a bar stool, the after party is almost empty by now. Cleaning staff are already starting to clean up the mess left behind, the bartender putting away glasses and half empty bottles. “Fuck.” Phil’s words ring loud.

Dan feels awful, worse than awful, terrible. Worse than terrible, devastated. Devastated to see Phil so unhappy, so distant, so distraught. He wants to do whatever possible to make him feel better, no, he will do whatever possible to make him feel better.

“Come back to my place,” blurts Dan. “We’ll take a taxi, I’ll make us some coffee, or tea or even hot chocolate if you want and we can stay up all night watching movies. Even really shitty rom coms if you want.”

“I don’t think I could deal with rom coms right now,” says Phil, trying to sound as if he’s telling a joke but it doesn’t come out right.

“Doesn’t matter, anything you want,” and Dan means it, he takes a seat right beside Phil.

So Phil agrees and thanks the staff for their work before they head back outside. It seems as if the air has dropped another 5 degrees in the 10 minutes since they were outside. Dan hails a cab, gives the driver his address and soon enough they’re in the elevator headed up to Dan’s apartment.

Phil goes straight for the couch once Dan’s swung the door open, making himself right at home. He takes off his suit jacket and unbuttons the first couple buttons of his dress shirt.

“Y’want something more comfortable to wear?”

“That’d be nice,” Phil’s voice and expression are both soft.

Once they’re both changed into a comfortable t-shirt and sweats, with mugs of tea in hand, they decide on popping in a favourite of both of theirs into the DVD player, Spirited Away.

As Chihiro and her family are travelling to their new home on screen, Phil presses up next to Dan. It's probably verging on cuddling but Dan doesn't do anything to stop it and Phil doesn't move until the film’s over and Dan asks if he wants to watch another one.

Phil agrees and they settle on Howl’s Moving Castle. They don't even get through it all though as Phil ends up falling asleep, his head falling onto Dan’s shoulder.

He looks absolutely exhausted and Dan doesn't have the heart to move him or wake him up so he gets up as carefully as possible, making sure to rest a pillow under Phil’s head and to toss a blanket over him. 

Dan gives one last look to make sure he hasn't woken Phil up before whispering a goodnight and heading into his room for a well deserved rest.

The next morning, Dan wakes easily and happily and when he glances over at his alarm clock he sees that it reads 12:04. They were up terribly late last night but Dan immediately worries, wondering if he's kept Phil waiting.

Dan scrambles out of bed, rushing into the living room but once he looks around he notices, Phil’s gone. The pillow and blanket he had used last night are now folded up carefully on Dan’s sofa. Slightly disheartened, Dan goes back into his room to check his phone. There's an unread text from Phil. The timestamp reads 10:16, almost two hours ago.

_Gone back home, didn't want to wake you. Thanks for everything, see you soon xo_

___________________________________

A knock at Dan’s door sounds two weeks after the premiere, it’s a Sunday, about 11 am, he wasn’t expecting anyone so he reluctantly gets up from his spot on the couch. First he peers into the peephole, just to make sure it isn’t an axe murderer who fancies killing people on their Sunday mornings. As to be expected, it’s not an axe murderer, but it is Phil. Phil whom Dan hasn’t seen, or heard from or talked to in two full weeks.

Dan opens the door to be greeted by an exhausted Phil, a backpack slung over one of his shoulders and purple circles under his eyes. He looks like he’s aged ten years in the two weeks since Dan’s seen him. His arms are wrapped around himself, making him look smaller and his eyes are shifty, never making direct eye contact with Dan as they usually do.

“Can I come in? It’s important.” asks Phil, voice strained, tired.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Dan steps back to let him in.

“Thanks.”

“Sorry it’s kind of a mess in here, I haven’t cleaned up in a while and well, I wasn’t expecting you to come over or really, I wasn’t expecting anyone to come over so–,”

“Dan.” Phil interrupts with a weak but amused grin. “It’s fine. Really.”

“Right, sorry, anyway, come sit,” Dan moves over to the couch and takes a seat, waiting for Phil to join him.

Phil sits but doesn’t speak.

Dan isn’t sure how to approach the conversation. “So… everything okay?”

“To be honest, it's been a few months coming but, Benji and I broke up.” Phil focuses on his fingers as he speaks.

Shocked, Dan doesn’t know what to say. Phil said they were having arguments, issues, problems. Phil had told him they had disagreements, that things weren’t the best for them but Dan never thought they’d break up. They’re engaged. Were engaged.

“Phil. Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks Dan,” Phil’s almost unresponsive in his emotions and reactions. “I just– I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go and I don’t want to go back home because he’s still there and–.” He gets choked up, tears forming and covers his face with his hands, unable to keep speaking. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Dan wraps an arm around him and Phil leans into him. “You can stay here. You can take all the time you need. Right now, it’s hard and it hurts and it sucks but you’ll get through this.”

Phil lets out a sob and Dan’s chest feels hollow but he continues speaking. “You will get through this. And I’ll be there with you every step of the way. We’ll get through this together. Alright?”

Phil nods, looking up at Dan. He’s snuggled between Dan’s arm for comfort. “Alright.”

___________________________________

It’s been about three months since everything with Benji went down. In the time since, Dan and Phil have grown closer than ever before. They see each other almost every day and if not, they’re always in contact somehow, whether that be a quick text or a lengthy phone call. In their time spent together, they usually hang out at Dan’s apartment because although Benji has moved out, Phil’s apartment is still a painful reminder of everything that’s happened. It hurts less now of course and the wounds are healing steadily but there are still times when Phil’s struck with feelings of immense sadness and loss.

During these times, Dan serves as an excellent support system for Phil. Providing him with comfort, by lending a listening ear, with reassurance via hugs. Through words of encouragement and necessary distractions, such as video games. On days where Phil’s feeling worse than usual, he’ll simply drop by Dan’s apartment after Dan’s off work and the two will spend the evening together– no questions asked on either part.

Sometimes, they’ll have quiet nights watching movies or reruns of their shared favourite tv shows while other times they’ll go out to a club, a bar or a restaurant – Phil has a thing about going to particularly fancy ones, Dan teases him and calls it a kink. Dan supposes some of their outings are kind of like dates, though he only allows himself to realise this in his head. Phil always pulls out Dan’s chair for him when they’re at a restaurant, though Dan always forgets to do the same for him. And, they always argue about who should be the one to pay to the point where they’ve decided to alternate who’s paying with each outing. So maybe their outings together are a lot like dates. Even so and even if they've both recognized this, neither of them dare to mention it.

On this particular day, it’s Dan’s birthday. Birthdays haven’t always been a source of enjoyment for Dan as they tend to remind him of the inevitable small period of time he had left to live rather than feel like something he should be celebrating. But in more recent years, he’s taken a more positive turn on this inevitable small period of time, he uses this reminder to channel it into his work. He figures if he only has a small period of time, he might has well put it to use and make the most of it. So, he spends his time perfecting his work and making sure it’s the best that it can possibly be as well as taking all the opportunities he’s presented with and living his life to its fullest potential – as cheesy as it may sound.

Dan’s past, particularly his late teens and early twenties, is often a source of sadness and discomfort for him. It wasn’t a good time in his life nor one that he’d like to revisit but looking at his life now and comparing it to how his life was back then, he feels a pang of happiness and pride in himself. He’s come this far in his life and he’s made his life better for himself and he can truly and earnestly say that for the past 6 months or so, he’s the happiest he’s ever been. Not that he was particularly unhappy before that time, but he and his life have improved so much in such a short period of time, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Come 6 o’clock that evening, a knock sounds at Dan’s apartment door. He looks through the peephole, just to double check, but sure enough, as he expected, Phil is stood outside his door, waiting expectantly. Dan swings open the door with a grin. Phil’s dressed in one of his button down shirts that Dan loves on him, the deep blue shade makes the pale complexion of his skin stand out even more than it does already. His hair is swept back just perfectly and Dan would be the biggest liar if he said that Phil didn’t look absolutely amazing. He feels as if he’s already received his first birthday present.

“Happy birthday!” Phil’s face lights up immediately, he extends his arms, a gift bag swinging in the grasp of one of his hands. Phil’s arms wrap around Dan, drawing him into a warm hug, so warm Dan thinks he could fall asleep if he was there long enough. After a few seconds, he pulls back and continues to speak. “Y’know I just realised you don’t have a buzzer, that can’t be safe.”

“Yes, please remind me of how easily I could get murdered on my birthday, thanks Phil.” Dan rolls his eyes and pulls Phil into his apartment by his wrist while letting out a sigh of suppressed laughter.

“Sorry,” says Phil meekly. “Anyway, uh, this is for you.” He holds out the gift bag to Dan.

A blush dusts Dan’s cheeks, “Aw Phil you didn’t have to get me anything.” He takes the gift bag from Phil’s grasp then makes his way over to his sofa and takes a seat.

“Don’t be one of those people. Like I know people reject things out of politeness but why are people so anti-gifts? It’s annoying. Anyway, I promise you’ll like it.” Phil joins Dan on the sofa, sitting right next to him.

“I know I will, no promises necessary,” Dan says as he begins to pluck the excess tissue paper out of the top of the bag to reveal a Studio Ghibli Hayao Miyazaki Blu-ray boxed set. 12 perfectly packaged DVDs of some of his favourite movies of all time. It feels heavy in Dan’s hands, he holds it as if it’s a precious gem. “Oh my god. Phil, oh my god.”

Phil just beams at him, simply happy to see Dan so happy, though the gift must’ve made a dent in his wallet.

Dan wonders if Phil is thinking about the night after the premiere like he is. When Phil had spent the night and the two ended up curled up together on Dan’s sofa. And they’d spent it watching a couple of their favourite Studio Ghibli films until Phil ended up falling asleep.

“Phil,” he repeats, unable to say anything else, “Oh my god, thank you so much. I can’t believe you–.”

“It’s nothing. Seriously.” Now Phil begins to blush ever so slightly, he brushes the palm of his hand over Dan’s back lightly. “I can’t thank you enough for everything so really, you deserve it.”

“Have I ever told you that you’re actually like, the best person ever?” Dan asks, his voice is unusually soft and low and filled with raw sincerity.

“Maybe once or twice, I wouldn’t know, you’re generally pretty rude to me,” says Phil with an easy shrug of his shoulders.

“Shut up, I’m the standard of a gentleman.”

“You tell yourself that,” Phil nods as if he’s agreeing with Dan.

The hazy, orange-yellow, pre-sunset, evening sunlight is streaming through the windows and cascades all over Phil’s face and hair, illuminating his most prominent features. In some strange way, the light turns all of Phil’s usually sharp edges, his jaw, his cheekbones soft, smooth and yellow tinted. In that moment there’s a tug in Dan’s stomach and he wants to kiss him, really, really wants to kiss him. Wants to kiss him like he’s never wanted to kiss anyone in his life. The feeling of want for Phil is unlike anything he’s felt for anyone, it's tempting and drawing him in close and if he just moved a few inches closer he could –

And as if he’s reading his mind, Phil connects his lips with the side of Dan’s face, his cheekbone to be exact. It’s not a proper kiss but it’s enough to cause Dan’s face to heat up and his stomach to flip over and over.

Phil stands, appearing to be mostly unmoved by his actions, he holds out a hand for Dan to take. “C’mon, we’re going to be late meeting PJ and Sophie.” The four of them planned to meet tonight for a celebration in honour of Dan’s birthday at a restaurant that Phil’s been dying to go to for months. Apparently, they have exotic and interesting types and combinations of sushi.

In compliance, Dan slips his hand into Phil’s and allows him to lead him to the door, and out, and down the stairs and all the way to the restaurant where they arrive hand in hand. If PJ raises his eyebrows or gives a suggestive expression, Dan doesn’t notice.

“So, Phil, you got anything in the works now?” asks PJ after taking a sip of his red wine. He’s seated directly across from Dan and right beside Sophie, his free arm slung over the back of her chair.

“Mm, yeah, something definitely. Writing’s honestly kind of therapeutic for me and the stuff I’ve been writing lately is a bit more personal and autobiographical but we’ll see how it goes I guess.” Phil shrugs and PJ nods knowingly.

Dan isn’t particularly paying attention though, he picks up a couple words here and there and realises what Phil’s talking about.

Phil’s told him briefly about his writing already, Dan’s not sure if it’s a screenplay or a novel as he’s fairly private about it. Dan doesn’t like to push it, he’ll let Phil tell him as he wants. On days when Phil can’t seem to concentrate on writing at his own place, often he’ll drag Dan along with him to cafés or the library for a quieter space to work. He doesn’t spend much time talking to Dan, sometimes he’ll bounce ideas off of him or ask him a question about grammar but usually, Dan has to entertain himself. Not that Dan minds because truly, he’ll take any opportunity to spend time with Phil and he’s grateful for their flexible work schedules that allow them to do so.

The restaurant is dimly light, the sun just beginning to set outside along with the candles in the centre of the table cast a dreamy glow over everyone’s face. Not that Dan is particularly paying attention to anyone’s but Phil’s. The candlelight brings out the green colour his eyes. It showers him in a shade of warmth and makes his skin look irresistibly soft and Dan wants nothing more than to trace his fingers over the sides of Phil’s face, to rest a hand on his cheek, to properly kiss him.

Dan told himself that following Phil’s breakup with Benji he’d make himself forget his feelings, push them down. He didn’t want to make a move or initiate anything too quickly in case he came off as insensitive but their growing closeness over the past few months has caused Dan’s feelings to grow even stronger, he feels more deeply for Phil than he ever has before. Looking at him now, laughing, carefree, a warm smile edging across his face and the yellow light showering over him, a weird prickly feeling rises in his stomach and Dan realises he’s a bit entranced. He tears his gaze away, staring into the peachy colour of rosė, he’s lost track of what number glass it is. Probably his third but he’s becoming too tipsy to even begin to try and remember.

Eventually, after a cake shared between them, happy birthday sung by the restaurant staff – planned by PJ, much to Dan’s annoyance and embarrassment – and a half glass more of wine, the meal comes to an end. As Dan and Phil wait for their taxi outside the restaurant, they exchange hugs and goodbyes with PJ and Sophie, the two of them giving Dan a joint birthday gift wrapped in bright, shiny silver wrapping.

“Thanks guys,” Dan says, holding up the gift and tilting it back and forth slightly so it catches the street's lights and reflects them. “In case I need a flashlight.”

They all give a laugh just as the taxi pulls up beside them. Dan and Phil clamber inside, both of them sitting side by side in the backseat. A drunk Dan rolls down the back window to outstretch his arm in a wave and shout another goodbye to Sophie and PJ as they’re walking away, they wave back just before the taxi zooms past.

Phil chuckles, pulling on Dan’s arm to bring him close. Dan’s head turns around a bit too quickly at the unexpected contact, he stares at Phil for what’s longer than necessary and normal. Phil’s lips look perfectly pink and it would be so, so easy for Dan to just–. And Phil rests his head on Dan’s shoulder instead, it’s not a kiss but he’ll take it. They stay like that for the whole five minute taxi ride until they reach Dan’s apartment. Dan doesn’t think his palms have ever been so clammy and sweaty than as they were in those five minutes,

When the taxi pulls up in front of Dan’s apartment building, Phil clumsily hands him a twenty dollar bill and tells him to keep the change. The two of them giddily laugh their way up the elevator and Dan fumbles with his keys to get into his apartment.

“Hmm, I’m exhausted,” murmurs Phil, flopping onto Dan’s sofa with his face buried in a pillow.

“If you want to sleep, you’d better make it to the bed at least.” Dan hovers over Phil, a dizzy, drunken grin plastered to his face.

“It’s alright, your sofa’s comfy,” Phil’s hugs another pillow close to his chest.

“Phil, I promise you my bed’s much comfier,” Dan grabs hold of Phil’s wrist, tugs and attempts to pull him up from his spot on the couch. It’s not as if they’ve never slept in the same bed before but with all the contact they’ve been making in the past few hours coupled with the alcohol coursing through them, Dan’s not sure if it’ll be the same as before. In the past, they’ve stayed at either side without a single touch. “C’mon,” he implores once again.

Reluctantly, Phil lifts himself up and follows Dan down the short hallway to his bedroom. The two of them strip of their jeans then collapse onto Dan’s bed. Phil lets out a comforted, soft sigh and wraps Dan’s duvet around himself.

“Hey!” Dan exclaims, pulling some of the duvet back on himself.

“I’m cold,” Phil whines.

“So am I. Share.” Dan turns his body so that he’s facing away from Phil and towards the wall.

Instead of replying, Phil shifts closer to Dan so that they’re almost spooning but with quite a few extra inches between them. Dan can’t help his heart race from speeding up, he leans into the touch ever so slightly, shutting his eyes and letting himself relax.

“Goodnight,” Phil whispers, lightly pressing his head to Dan’s back.

“Goodnight Phil,” Dan replies and before he knows it, he’s off to sleep.

___________________________________

Dan’s the first one to wake the next morning, with squinted eyes and the sunlight filtering gently through the curtains he’d forgotten to draw closed last night. Blinking repeatedly in an attempt to bring himself to life, he peers over to the clock sat on his bedside table, the time reads 9:54. It’s terribly late but not too early either. He figures he can still have a somewhat productive day, even if that just means spending the day in his apartment with Phil. Dan’s completely fine with that.

Looking over to him now, Phil’s still fast asleep, breathing steadily and stirring as Dan shifts to face him. Dan watches the slow rise and fall of his chest, takes note of the way his mouth is hanging open ever so slightly, the way his hair is ruffled just perfectly, looking soft to the touch and deliberately messed with. Just as Dan’s about to sit up in bed, Phil’s hand begins to reach out for him, aware of the movement and the warm, solid weight next to him shifting. Dan figures it might just be out of habit–

But at once, Phil’s hand is wraps gently around Dan’s wrist and mumbles something along the lines of “Stay. I don’t wanna get out of bed yet.”

Dan chuckles softly and because he’s feeling particularly brave and well, hungover, he adjusts his arm so that his hand twines with Phil’s. It’s a nice comfort, it doesn’t have to mean anything but at least it’ll reassure Phil that he’s still there and didn’t abandon him to get on with his morning. Phil squeezes their hands together in a sort of thank you for Dan not forcing him out of bed.

The two lie in comfortable silence for a minute, then two, then three until about twenty minutes have passed and Dan’s beginning to grow bored.

“Phil.” he says quietly.

“Mm?” Phil mumbles, now opening one of his eyes and letting head fall against Dan’s arm.

“I’m bored,” Dan reaches out for his phone lying on the bedside table, in search of something to do.

“Are you telling me that holding my hand isn’t interesting enough for you?” Phil’s too tired to pretend to be even mildly offended, his words come out dull and monotone.

Dan flushes pink, suddenly grateful Phil’s still half asleep and almost blind without his glasses. “It’s lovely, really but,” he shoves his phone into Phil’s face, the weather app displaying brightly. The temperature reads 23°C. “It’s so nice out, we should take a walk, maybe go to Central Park, I wanna take some new photos. Please.” He pleads.

Phil grumbles incomprehensibly. “If it’ll fulfill your creative needs…” he begins to trail off. “But first, I need coffee.”

Dan detaches his hand from Phil’s and gets up out of bed. Phil grumbles and groans even more.

“Oh don’t you complain, I’m the one getting you coffee,” Dan says and with that, he exits to the kitchen.

After breakfast, three cups of coffee between them – two for Phil, one for Dan –, two quick, separate showers and Phil shrugging on one of Dan’s t-shirts, the time reads 11:42. Dan still thinks he’d like for them to head up to Central Park. Although he's lived in New York for years, it's not a place he gets around to often enough.

Thankfully, Dan's hangover has faded by this time so when he suggests his idea to Phil, he's sure he’ll respond with the same enthusiasm fueling Dan’s idea. But it turns out, that for Phil, his hangover situation is quite the opposite of Dan’s. He’s stuck with a moderate but not unbearable headache that's constantly pounding against his forehead like a drum.

“Maybe it'll make you feel better,” Dan suggests, sitting at the end of his sofa that Phil’s now lounging upon.

“Maybe,” Phil looks Dan in the eyes, reading emotions, scanning. “You really wanna go huh?”

“The weather’s perfect Phil and I don't get out to Central Park nearly enough and I haven't taken many photos recently and–.”

“Alright, alright. But if my headache gets worse I'm blaming me and you have to buy me tea.”

“Deal,” laughs Dan.

Phil sits up slowly from the couch, constantly aware of the pain from his headache. “Let's go then shall we?”

Dan smiles widely and swears he could kiss Phil right now in this very moment. He runs off to grab his camera, and with that, they exit the apartment, Dan locking the door behind them.

________________________________

Central Park is buzzing and busy once they arrive, filled with tourists and locals alike. Turns out plenty of other people had the same idea Dan had with the weather being so nice. The sunlight streaming through the shade from the trees provides the perfect lighting for some of Dan’s photos. He snaps photos of people, in which none of them are aware of the lens upon them, photos of the freshly blooming purple flowers, the full, green trees and their leaves and a little patch of fungus.

“Hey Dan,” says Phil, just as Dan’s finished snapping his last photo of the fungus.

“Hm?” Dan lets go of his camera with the neck strap attached, letting it rest against his chest. He tilts his head to look up at Phil from where he’s sitting on the ground.

“You’re a fun-gi,” Phil breaks off into laughter at the ridiculous, cheesiness of the joke.

Dan rolls his eyes and gives a small snort of laughter. “Thanks Phil, I’ve _never_ heard that one before.” Brushing a speck of dirt off of his jeans, he holds his arm up at Phil. “Help me up.”

“I don’t help people up who don’t appreciate my puns.”

Sputtering, Dan responds, “What do you mean? I… love your puns.”

“You’re a horrible liar,” Phil starts to walk away, pretending to be hurt.

“Hey!” Dan calls after Phil, gets up and jogs a few steps to catch up with him. “Really, I do.” This comment elicits a smile from smile and the two stay in a comfortable silence, crossing over a bridge and walking down a path that veers to the right and seems to be less busy than other parts of the park. They both appreciate the fact that they’re able to spend time with one another without feeling the need to make constant conversation.

“So was I right in deciding to come here, or was I right?” Dan says after a couple minutes, jostling Phil’s shoulder with his own.

“Don't get cocky, it isn't cute.” Phil jokes, shaking his head ever so slightly.

Dan’s slightly unsure of what to say next but he’s feeling confident and he figures if Phil’s meaning to flirt with him, he might as well do the same. “Ahh but you know what is?” He asks. “Man, I can’t believe I’d forgotten to get a photo of it, what was I thinking.”

Phil looks at him, curious, questioning, and slightly unsure.

Dan takes hold of his camera from around his neck, holds it up to his face, looks through the viewfinder and before Phil even has enough time to notice or react, he snaps a picture of him.

“Hey!” Phil covers his face. “Not today, I feel and look like shit.”

“C’mon, no you don’t” he trails off, taking a couple steps back and then taking more photos of Phil.

“Stop it,” Phil laughs softly, not even trying to stop Dan now.

“But you’re my muse,” replies Dan dramatically, motioning his hand to Phil so that he’ll move to the right.

“I hate you,” but his actions say otherwise as Phil complies to Dan’s request and takes a few steps over.

“Nooo you don’t, you _love_ me.” Dan means it as a joke, he says it as a joke, it’s clear it’s a joke but the second the words leave his lips, he can’t help but regret them. Is that an insensitive thing to say to someone who’s broken up with their partner of three years? It's been three months but probably, definitely, Dan’s not even sure Phil’s quite over it and he looks at Phil and–. He’s not quite sure how to describe the expression on his face. Confusion definitely, uncertainty maybe, but most of all, realisation. His eyes are blue as ever but wide and bright and staring deeply at Dan. His mouth is open ever so slightly and he looks as if he’s just about to speak.

And he does. And Dan’s not even sure if he hears his next words correctly.

“I do.” Normally Dan would just take it as him going along with the joke but there’s something oddly serious about, something unfamiliar in Phil’s tone. “I love you.”

Now Dan really doesn’t know what to think and he tries to play along and take Phil’s words as a joke. “What?” He attempts a laugh but it comes out short and strained. But Phil isn’t joking. By the way he’s looking at Dan, he’s being completely serious.

“I don't know.” Phil says quietly. Dan thinks he looks like he's about to cry. “You - I-”

“You can't just say that to me and tell me you don't know,” says Dan, utterly confused but the persisting knot in his stomach begins to untie with relief.

“But _I don't know_. I loved Benji. I loved him so much, he used to be everything to me and there was a time in my life where I would've done anything for him but he… Things didn’t work out and I guess they don’t sometimes and there’s nothing you can do to help it. One second you think that you're both on the same page and then the next he's telling you how he wants to get married within the next few months and have four kids and I just couldn't see it.”

Phil wraps his arms around himself in a sort of comfort. Instinctively, in a need to comfort Phil, Dan walks towards him and guides him to a nearby bench where they both sit side by side. It’s not like Phil hasn’t talked about the reasoning behind their breakup previously, he has. He’s ranted and cried and complained but he’s never seemed quite so emotionally open and honest about it.

After a few deep breaths Phil continues. “I kept thinking about my future with Benji but instead I kept seeing you. I kept thinking about how close we’d gotten over the past few months and there was one day... I remember it being after a long day of filming, we rode the subway together and said our goodbyes and I remember getting home and missing you.” He laughs, trying to lighten the mood. “And it was weird, because I knew I was going to see you the next day but I guess it just clicked then that I’d been stuck in the same routine and stuck with the same person for so long that I wasn't able to realise that I’d fallen out of love with him, that we didn't want the same things anymore.”

Dan doesn’t know what to say, what to do, what to think or what to feel. He’s mostly just wondering where the cameras are, because right now he feels like his life is really a cheesy romcom. Pining after a guy for months, then having him end his previous relationship and go off on a long spiel about how much he loves you. He has all the aspects to make a perfect romcom checked off and he’s really trying hard not to pinch himself right now.

The bright summer sun is shining down upon him and doing nothing to help the fact that he’s blushing red and sweating nervously now. He twists and untwists his fingers together, trying to construct a sentence that can even begin to amount to the admission Phil’s just made, that can express everything he feels in just a handful of words. It’s impossible.

His breath feels constrict as he speaks, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say to follow up something like that. “Phil,” his voice is tight. Carefully, he takes Phil’s left hand from where it rests on the bench and intertwines it with his right. Their fingers slot together perfectly and the simple gesture seems to reassure Phil greatly as he lets out a long breath.

“I’ve been waiting so long for you to say something like that,” Dan gives their hands a gentle squeeze.

That brings out a smile in Phil, then a nervous sounding laugh, then a kiss planted on Dan’s cheek. “I’ll tell you something like that again and again if you’ll let me.”

Dan feels as if he could maybe cry from an overwhelming mix of happiness, relief and love. “I’d love that,” he looks him directly in the eyes for the first time since Phil started speaking. “I love you too. By the way.”

“Thanks. By the way.” Phil snickers, resting his head against Dan’s shoulder. “For returning my feelings and all.”

“How could I not?” There’s a beat.

“You’re disgusting,” Phil lifts his head back up, looks at Dan, whose expression is more warm and open and inviting than Phil’s ever seen it. He closes the short gap between their lips and detaches his hand from Dan’s to cup his cheek instead.

Dan does the same and adjusts his hand so it’s rested lightly on Phil’s neck. Suddenly he’s grateful for their decision to walk through a more secluded area of the park. They kiss, soft and sweet until Phil’s the first one to pull away.

The two look to each other, eyes meeting, and burst out in complete and full out laughter. Out of delirium or happiness, neither are sure but if one things for sure, it’s the first of many, many kisses to come.


End file.
